TV's BLOG--AIN'T LIFE GRAND
My blog is like the old Seinfeld TV Show--about "nothing at all". I will not try to inform you, sway your opinion, tell you how or how not to worship or marry your sister. Oh, by the way, do you have any pictures of you sister? Sorry, it slipped out! I want you to laugh with me, at me or near me!
Martha Stewart To Write Abductee Book (Alien's Kinda' Sexy)
DATELINE NEW YORK:
A report out of Del-Rio Publishing House today said that Martha Stewart, Homemaker Diva and Alien Abductee, has been paid an advance on a new book. The book will chronicle her adventures while in the clutches of the Alpha Centaurians.
The book, it is said, will cover her Abductee experience from "Soup-to-Nuts". From the initial flash of light to her return in rural West Virginia. A Del-Rio editor says it will be all-inclusive. From Centaurian cuisine to Porthole Curtain treatments.
"An entire chapter will be devoted to Alien sex," said the editor. "This is not a book for the kiddies!"
More to come.
Tom Vickers
Blood of Many Nations (Mom was a Rather Sportin' Sort!)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
Have you ever wondered just who you are? I have. I've been talking to various members of my family lately to sort out what hyphens I need to use. Where did we Vickers/Lambert/Goldberg/Wallaces, etc. come from? It depends on who you ask. As far as I can tell, I'm an English-German-Jewish-Scottish-Irish-Hungarian-French-Dutch-Albanian-Russian-Italian-Spanish-American.
The blood of many nations flows through my veins. It seems as though mom was a rather sportin' sort.
Do I qualify for any Government Grants?
Tom Vickers
"The Emporium Strikes Back" (Aliens Have No Style)
DATELINE ELKVIEW, WV:
In a dramatic moment today, Martha Stewart, "Homemaker Expert and Prison Decorator" was returned to earth. She appeared in a flash of light and was gently dropped down to the Elkview, WV K-Mart. Martha, in her typical fashion, didn't have a hair out of place.
K-Mart officials said that in a trade for Martha certain things were exchanged. The Aliens are to receive discounts on all generic products carried by K-Mart and Stock tips from Martha. "It was an exhausting negotiation," said one official. "They wanted name brands but, we held out!"
Martha, in her press release, said, "That spaceship was a pigsty! it looks much better now. It just needed a Decorator's touch!"
Welcome back, Martha.
Tom Vickers
Martha Stewart Abducted By Aliens! (K-Mart Aghast)
DATELINE NEW YORK:
A report off the wires today state that Martha Stewart, Household Diva, saavy investor and convicted felon, was abducted by aliens. "It happened so fast! In broadlight, too!", said Ms. Betty Fair, a witness to the event. "Martha was coming out of her Broker's Office and was sucked up by a bright light! It was awful! I need to lie down!", she continued.
K-Mart officials said everything humanly possible will be done to get Martha back. "What do you want? Discounts or coupons, what? We can work it out! Please return Martha!", said one K-Mart official.
We will keep you updated.
Tom Vickers
What Have we Done to Sophie? (Sophie's Choice--Hot Dog?)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
What have we done to Sophie? I was watching a show on Nat' Geo' the other day and it got me thinking about the "hand-of-man". How we must change (or destroy) anything in our path. Sophie is a Bloodhound, a cousin of the noble wolf.
Did you know that a Bloodhound's sense of smell is 1,000 times greater than that of a human? How do they know? How do you measure it? What are the units? Is there an "Oderon" or something?
Anyway, Sophie was given a task. A "suspect" was given a shell casing to briefly touch. The casing was then sealed in a "CSI Miami" crime scene envelope. The suspect was given two hours to make his get-away. He drove across town for two miles and then proceeded on foot through busy streets. He then walked to a busy, windy, public beach. He walked on the busy beach through a trail of hot dog weiners. Hot dog weiners! He then sat on the beach waiting for Sophie.
The shell casing was removed from the envelope and Sophie was given a quick sniff, and as Sherlock Holmes would say, "The game is a'foot". Sophie followed the trail, street by steet, no less (Sophie's better than MapQuest)! Onward faithful Sophie! To the beach she went. Through the hot dogs went Sophie! Did Sophie stop for a hot dog snack (I would've)? No, no, no! Not our Sophie! did Sophie get her man? You bet!
Amazing! We have, through selective breeding, created a dog who ignores "fatty" meat. Lo, the poor wolf.
Where Do You Beat your Kids? (Wal Mart, Of Course)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
I swear, Wal Mart must have crosses, garlic and silver bullets to keep the Department of Social Services at bay! I've never seen the beat and I've been in three counties.
Go there on any Saturday and you'll think you've been transported back to the Spanish Inquisition. Torquemada would be proud of many of these parents. I don't tell anybody how to raise their kids but, I was not a "spanker". I spanked my daughter one time in her entire life and I still feel guilty about it. She's now grown with a family of her own. I was spanked both at home and at school and swore I'd never spank a child of my own.
When do you intervene (and God knows intervention is often needed)? In a Wal Mart in Charlotte, NC, I saw a mother take a plastic Whiffle bat off the shelf and start whacking her little boy's bottom! He looked to be about five years old. When I gave her a sharp look, she waved the bat at me. I assure you it was not a greeting. At least she stopped "whiffling" the little boy! As long as Wal Mart's in business, Serial Killing will be a growth industry.
Hey Moms and Dads--Why not just burn the little ones at the stake? The burning stakes are in the Garden Center right next to the lighter fluid.
Tom Vickers
"Laptop Dancing" (If You Call Within The Next 10 Minutes...)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
This is an update to an earlier post.
The lady pictured above is named Larisa and she lives just outside Moscow. She has a copy of my CD on her Ipod. She's my biggest fan. I'm a big fan of her, too.
She says she has enough money to visit me in June of this year. She knows enough English to talk "dirty" (how much more is needed, really?). I really wish I knew what some of those "backward-ass", Cyrillic letters mean. Is "dirty-talk" more expressive in Russian? Oh my goodness, I hope so!
What if she doesn't have enough money to get back home? What if I don't like her? Can I send her back? Can I trade her in on a Jeep Cherokee? If I call within the next 10 minutes will shipping and handling be waived?
Tom Vickers
Santa and the Jolly Green Giant (Same Zip Code?)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
I've often wondered if the Jolly Green Giant is Santa's alter ego. Think about it for minute......Ok! Minute's up!
1. You never see them at the same time or place.
2. Green is a Christmas color.
3. They both say, "Ho! Ho! Ho!" (and they're not even Rap Artists).
4. They both play with elves.
5. They're both quite large.
6. They both wear funky costumes.
7. They're both TV stars.
8. The "Giant" has "frozen" veggies. Hmmm? North Pole?
This is all circumstantial evidance, I admit. You know what they say, "Every link in the chain!" I think they're about one phone booth away from being one and the same.
If you have more "links", let me know.
Tom Vickers
"LAPTOP DANCING" (BACK IN THE USSR)
Hello Gentle Readers,
I retired from the word of Architecture about five years ago and I've kept busy playing music. I'm no stranger to this world but, that's for future posts.
I've had the great fortune of recording and playing live (guitar and vocals) with a number of famous people and, last year, I recorded my own CD. That's where this story begins.
I E-mailed a copy of my CD (along with a recent picture) to a friend. She, in turn, E-mailed it to a friend, who E-mailed it to a friend, who...Ok, Ok, I'll skip the "begats". Quicker than a dog can lick its genitalia, my CD was all over the world! From Bern to Berlin, from Paris to Patagonia, from Madrid to Moscow, from...Well, you get the picture.
Mom! I'm a "Cyberstar"! I promise I won't let it change me. I don't expect special treatment! I won't go around "trashing" Cyber Cafes' in typical Rock Star fashion! I may upgrade to Townhouse Crackers but, I'm the same ol' Tom.
Ever since my CD became a world traveler, I've been getting E-mails galore. Mostly women (YES!) and many of them contain pictures, love notes, marriage proposals, offers to have my children and requests for my mailing address (I'm not that stupid).
Many of these photos are uh, uh, well, they're nudes. Mostly from the former Soviet Bloc, oddly enough. I've got enough pictures of naked women to start up a "Porn Site"! I'll call it LAPTOP DANCING!
This is a true story. Tom Vickers
Paris Hilton? (Ah, Now It's Clear)
DATELINE LA:
In a startling confession today Paris Hilton revealed the source of all her adult (?) problems. Said Ms. Hilton, "I should've had anything I wanted. I wanted a pony! We could afford it! I'll show 'em! I'm getting a "Lap Pony!"
It is being rumored that stables are in the "Blueprint" stage for their addition at most Hiltons.
Tom Vickers
No Animals Were Harmed During the Writing of this Blog
DATELINE FRANKFORT GERMANY:
A search through the War Archive Center uncovered the above surprising photo. It was taken in Krakow, Poland in late 1939.
It has long been known that Adolph Hitler wasa vegetarian and an animal lover. What was not know is how this may have driven the outcome of WWII.
Documents uncovered with the photo also include an order from the German High Command (Order number Z871). Translated, this order reads, "No animals are to be harmed during the executation of this war".
A later policy by the American film industry states basically the same thing: "No animals were harmed during the making of this film".
Odd coincidence or collusion? You decide.
Tom Vickers
A Caveman's Day (No Corporate Koolaid!)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
I was reading the other day that Anthropologists estimate that it took the average Caveman (1 cave, 1 wife, 3.5 kids, 1 Wolf-hound and 3 spears) about two hours a day to provide his family with all of their needs. Wow! All the food, caves, loin cloths, spears, clubs, Cave Paintings and TaxShelters they needed. He could go out, spear a Wooly Rhino and then hang around the cave all day in his loin cloth drinking beer and watching John Wayne movies on the Big Screen. SWEET! No Coporate Kool Aid for Og!
What happened? The last few years I worked I put in about 80 hours a week. What happened? How many hours a day do you work? More than two I bet! What in the world happened?
Who invented work? Hmmm?... Ah! Cavewoman, that's who!
Tom Vickers
I was reading the other day that Anthropologists estimate that it took the average Caveman (1 cave, 1 wife, 3.5 kids, 1 Wolf-hound and 3 spears) about two hours a day to provide his family with all of their needs. Wow! All the food, caves, loin cloths, spears, clubs, Cave Paintings and TaxShelters they needed. He could go out, spear a Wooly Rhino and then hang around the cave all day in his loin cloth drinking beer and watching John Wayne movies on the Big Screen. SWEET! No Coporate Kool Aid for Og!
What happened? The last few years I worked I put in about 80 hours a week. What happened? How many hours a day do you work? More than two I bet! What in the world happened?
Who invented work? Hmmm?... Ah! Cavewoman, that's who!
Tom Vickers
I'm From "Appa-latch-ia" (Not "Appa-lash-ia", By God!)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
Don't you believe everything you hear on CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, or some local TV news broadcasts. There's no "long-A" sound in Appalachia! Now, it may take you decades of in-breeding to learn how to pronounce this correctly. I'm going to save you all that time. There's no "long-A" sound in Appalachia.
My folks have been isolated in these hills for 2-1/2 centuries. My Mom (Hi Mom!) is a member of the DAR and there's no "long-A" sound in Appalachia.
I dun been ta' Charleston, seed that there Capitol dome and 'et in a great ol' big KFC (we always git us sum chikin on Sundays) and there ain't no "long-A" sound in Appalachia. I dun been ta' skool, kin rite my name reel gud and do simple cifers and been in three counties. I dun gitted on this here innernet spider-web and seed Billy Ray Cryus on that there History Channel. Billy didn't use a "long-A" sound in two hours. There ain't no "long-A" sound in Applachia!
THERE'S NO "LONG-A" SOUND IN APPALACHIA!
Tom Vickers
Don't you believe everything you hear on CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, or some local TV news broadcasts. There's no "long-A" sound in Appalachia! Now, it may take you decades of in-breeding to learn how to pronounce this correctly. I'm going to save you all that time. There's no "long-A" sound in Appalachia.
My folks have been isolated in these hills for 2-1/2 centuries. My Mom (Hi Mom!) is a member of the DAR and there's no "long-A" sound in Appalachia.
I dun been ta' Charleston, seed that there Capitol dome and 'et in a great ol' big KFC (we always git us sum chikin on Sundays) and there ain't no "long-A" sound in Appalachia. I dun been ta' skool, kin rite my name reel gud and do simple cifers and been in three counties. I dun gitted on this here innernet spider-web and seed Billy Ray Cryus on that there History Channel. Billy didn't use a "long-A" sound in two hours. There ain't no "long-A" sound in Applachia!
THERE'S NO "LONG-A" SOUND IN APPALACHIA!
Tom Vickers
Mr. Spock in Restraints (Yoda in Deep)
DATELINE ORION'S BELT-PADEWAN CENTER:
Reports out of the YOU HAVE LEARNED WELL YOUNG PADEWAN drug rehab center state that Mr. Spock has been using the "Force" with reckless abandon. He acquired this Jedi skill after performing the "Vulcan Mind Meld" on Master Yoda. Both are in the Padewan center for substance abuse; Spock for "snorting" Dilithium Crystals and Master Yoda for "huffing" Light Saber Emissions.
Spock, after "Melding" Yoda, has been exhibiting some very strange behavior. Said Padewan officials, "The final straw was his being found alone in a closet with Starista, the Dancing Girl from Jabba the Hut's lair. Starista is in for Robot Lubricant abuse. We can't have this!"
Master Yoda, after receiving the "Meld", has been re-engineering the HVAC System and re-programing the Computer Network in the Padewan Center. Said a maintenance worker, "Not only do we get Holographic Box Office on the Wide Screen Crystal, now the room temperature adjusts to each individual. I hope they don't revert Yoda back too soon. I'm having a devil of a time with the Laser Disposal System and, he's promised to take a look at it. Spock however, is another kettle of Starfish. Son-of-a-Gun stole my lunch three days running!"
More as it develops. tomvickers@suddenlink.net
Studios Drop Godzilla (Godzilla Considering Second Career)
DATELINE MT. MIDORIAMI:
After being released by Itizuzi Studios, "B" Movie star Godzilla announced his retirement from Motion Pictures. Long a Sci-Fi icon, his announced retirement was a shock to many in the industry. Many fans expressed regret at his decision to give up his long andsuccessful Movie career.
When asked why, Godzilla, speaking through a translator, said, "I'm getting too old to do my old stunts. it's time to move on. Besides, I'm tired of working with the delayed subtitle requirements. It's harder than you think!"
He plans on keeping busy by making guest appearances and teaching Geography to "Special-ED" students.
We will miss you old friend. Sayonara. tomvickers@suddenlink.net
Genetic Engineering and Bovine Art (Holy Cow!)
DATELINE SOUTHERN OHIO:
Just off the wire: Scientists at the "Mad Cow Dairy Research Center" have announced a breakthrough in Genetic Engineering. They have isolated an "artistic" gene in Dairy Cattle. Said Dr. Milo Cellsplit, "This gene is not present in all cows. At this time we estimate it at about sixty per cent."
As I understand it, when this gene is manipulated odd things happen. Butter made from the "manipulated" cows milk will form itself into "expressive" art. The variety has been astounding.
The above representation of Jesus was formed from the milk of one Daisy Cudspit. Oleo Lordy Me!
tomvickers@suddenlink.net
Yoda "Mind Melds" Rodents (It's Getting Squirrely)
DATELINE ORION'S BELT-PADAWAN CENTER:
Reports out of the YOU HAVE LEARNED WELL YOUNG PADAWAN drug rehab center say that "Force Master" Yoda, in for Light Saber Emission "huffing', has applied the "Vulcan Mind Meld" to a nest of squirrels. Master Yoda learned the "Vulcan Mind Meld" from Mr. Spock. Spock is in for Dilithium Crystal "snorting".
"You can't walk on the grounds," said a Padewan employee. "Apparantly squirrels can't tell the difference between the 'good guys' and the 'bad guys'! None of us are safe!", he said. Another employee said, "The grounds are littered with the corpses of Orion Cats, Belt Hawks and Millenium Falcons. It's out of hand! They are even taking saber swipes at the visitors, who used to feed them!"
Yoda has been put on probation and had to spend an hour in "Time Out". It is not known what will happen to the squirrels. tomvickers@suddenlink.net
Strip Tease and Phonics (Career Decisions)
I can't read or pull up my zipper, guess I'll just be a stripper. I can dance and I can sing, I'll have to get a new G-String.
From Dr. Suess "Does Dallas". Rated XXX
Co-Dependent Letters (Alphabet Soup)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
Ya' know, some letters need therapy. I have a particular concern with the letter "H"! Although sometimes found alone, it is more often found in the company of other letters: "W", "G", "S", "T", "P", "R" and "C". Also seeking the company of other letters are "Q" (completely dependent on "U"--sad, really) and "K" (not only dependent on "C" but, actually steals it's sound).
Silent "G's" have their own issues about which an entire blog could be written!
Is it time for an Editorial "Intervention"? Is there a Twelve-Step Program available? If so, would "K", the 13th letter qualify?
"Hi! My name is "H" and I'm a Co-Dependent!" tomvickers@suddenlink.net
Yoda Moved! (Spock to be Mentor)
DATELINE ORION'S BELT:
"Force Master" Yoda, in Drug Treatment for Light Saber Emission "huffing", has been moved from the center in the Alpha Centauri system to the "Well You Have Learned Young Padewan" center in the Orion's Belt system. It is hoped that the intensive care at "Padewan" will benefit Master Yoda.
Sources at the Jedi compound on "Alpha" reported that Master Yoda had stopped eating. He complained that the food had "Wookie" hair in it. "Unpalatable, it is. Away you must take it!" he was heard to say.
At the "Padewan", Master Yoda was assigned a room with Mr. Spock of Star Trek fame. Spock is in treatment for snorting "Dilithium Crystals". This is a habit he apparantly picked up duringStar Trek II. Rumor has it that he was turned on to the "Crystal" by the Ship's Engineer of the Enterprise, Scottie. Sources say that Scottie has had the "Dili" habit for years. When asked, Scottie retorted, "I canna' make 'er go any faster, Cap'n!"
A secret source in Group Therapy said, "Spock's influence on Yoda is being considered a breakthrough."
I guess it's only logical. tomvickers@suddenlink.net
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