TV's BLOG--AIN'T LIFE GRAND
My blog is like the old Seinfeld TV Show--about "nothing at all". I will not try to inform you, sway your opinion, tell you how or how not to worship or marry your sister. Oh, by the way, do you have any pictures of you sister? Sorry, it slipped out! I want you to laugh with me, at me or near me!
Deep-Fried Butterflies (Put 'Em on a Stick)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
I now live in a rural area of Applachia after living and working as an Architect in Charlotte, NC for many years. The only insects we had to deal with on a regular basis there were really gigantic roaches. I'm talking 50's, Sci-Fi roaches! They only came three-to-a-household. In herd-sized numbers the SOB's would've starved. I'm sorry. I've digressed. This isn't about the roaches. Brrrrr!...Ok. I've recovered enough to soldier on.
There's more kinds of insects in West Virginia than in you average Rain Forest. Big "Sum-bitches", too! I swear, some of the butterflies and moths have the wingspan of a Harpy Eagle! An insect should not be able to do a fly-over and shade your whole house.
Did you ever eat a "Butterfly-on-a-Stick"? First ya' gotta' wrestle the bastards to the ground and "de-wing" 'em. I swear, ya' put 'em in a vat of hot grease for about 12 minutes and they're no too bad.
Most of us who grew up in Applachia in the 60's couldn't be too picky about protein choices. Especially after the Kennedys and Rockerfellers came down and told us we were poor. We didn't know. If you live in the "Kingdom of the Blind" you don't need eye doctors.
Anyway, I'm going to a "Butterfly Sit-Down Dinner" this weekend. I haven't been to one in years. Why don't ya'll come on over. RSVP tomvickers@suddenlink.net
I now live in a rural area of Applachia after living and working as an Architect in Charlotte, NC for many years. The only insects we had to deal with on a regular basis there were really gigantic roaches. I'm talking 50's, Sci-Fi roaches! They only came three-to-a-household. In herd-sized numbers the SOB's would've starved. I'm sorry. I've digressed. This isn't about the roaches. Brrrrr!...Ok. I've recovered enough to soldier on.
There's more kinds of insects in West Virginia than in you average Rain Forest. Big "Sum-bitches", too! I swear, some of the butterflies and moths have the wingspan of a Harpy Eagle! An insect should not be able to do a fly-over and shade your whole house.
Did you ever eat a "Butterfly-on-a-Stick"? First ya' gotta' wrestle the bastards to the ground and "de-wing" 'em. I swear, ya' put 'em in a vat of hot grease for about 12 minutes and they're no too bad.
Most of us who grew up in Applachia in the 60's couldn't be too picky about protein choices. Especially after the Kennedys and Rockerfellers came down and told us we were poor. We didn't know. If you live in the "Kingdom of the Blind" you don't need eye doctors.
Anyway, I'm going to a "Butterfly Sit-Down Dinner" this weekend. I haven't been to one in years. Why don't ya'll come on over. RSVP tomvickers@suddenlink.net
Dyslexic Jeopardy (That Spells "Truoble")
"WELCOME EVERYBODY! IT'S TIME FOR DYSLEXIC JEOPARDY! AND NOW, YOUR HOST, AXEL TREBEC!"... "Thanks Johnny. Let's meet today's contestants. First, a hooker from Hoboken, NJ, Bambi Heysailor. Next, a Bookie from Dallas, Billy Bob Roberts and, finally, a convicted felon from St. Louis, Three-Finger Lefew. An earlier coin toss determined that Bambi wil choose first."
"Thanks, Axel. I'll take Potion Mictures for $100."... HE PLAYED THE LEAD IN 'THE GRADUATE'...Bzzzzt!..."Ok, Bambi."..."Uh, uh. Shoot Axle, I didn't graduate!"..."Sorry"...Bzzzzt!..."Who is Mot Cruise, Axel?"..."No, sorry."..."Who is Dustin Ffhoman, Axel?"..."Correct Billy Bob. Choose!"..."I'll take Lamous Fadies, Axel."...SHE SAID LET THEM EAT K ACE...Bzzzzt!..."Who is Tammy Winette, Axel?"..."No, sorry Bambi."...Bzzzt.."Who is Marie Toinanet, Axel?..."Correct, Three-Finger. Pick a category."..."I'll take Convicted Lefons, Axel."..."How did I know you were going to say that?"...SHE REDECORATED EVERY CELL IN HER WING...Bzzzt!..."Who is Martha Washington, Alex?"... "Nooo. Sorry, Bambi"..."Who is Startha Mewart?"..."Correct, Billy Bob. Now were going to take a commercial break. We'll be back soon."
tomvickers@suddenlink.net
"Thanks, Axel. I'll take Potion Mictures for $100."... HE PLAYED THE LEAD IN 'THE GRADUATE'...Bzzzzt!..."Ok, Bambi."..."Uh, uh. Shoot Axle, I didn't graduate!"..."Sorry"...Bzzzzt!..."Who is Mot Cruise, Axel?"..."No, sorry."..."Who is Dustin Ffhoman, Axel?"..."Correct Billy Bob. Choose!"..."I'll take Lamous Fadies, Axel."...SHE SAID LET THEM EAT K ACE...Bzzzzt!..."Who is Tammy Winette, Axel?"..."No, sorry Bambi."...Bzzzt.."Who is Marie Toinanet, Axel?..."Correct, Three-Finger. Pick a category."..."I'll take Convicted Lefons, Axel."..."How did I know you were going to say that?"...SHE REDECORATED EVERY CELL IN HER WING...Bzzzt!..."Who is Martha Washington, Alex?"... "Nooo. Sorry, Bambi"..."Who is Startha Mewart?"..."Correct, Billy Bob. Now were going to take a commercial break. We'll be back soon."
tomvickers@suddenlink.net
JFK Conspiricy Revealed (Grassy Knoll theory Debunked)
DATELINE WASHINGTON DC:
BULLETIN, JUST IN,
After years of submitting "Freedom of Information Act" requests, I finally wore them down. It was the "Cat in the Hat" in cahoots with Oswald. "Puss 'n Boots" is also under suspicion.
I guess that's what JFK gets for "tom-catting" around.
tomvickers@suddenlink.net
A Security Risk? little Ol' Me? (Ask U.S. Intel'....)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,Let me start with a confession; I'm comitting Weblog adultry! I know, I know, I'm ashamed (sorry mom). I'm two-timing worpress. Please forgive me!
The following is a post of mine from wordpress and, I swear, it's true:
In my sixty-odd posts (some odder than others), I've mentioned the following: George Bush once, Dick Cheney once, Al Qaida three times, Hillary once, Obama once, AK-47's once and Senator Byrd once.
Now, I'm not all that political; life's too short to listen to people being careless with the truth. In all of the above-mentioned posts, my goal was to be funny. I may have over-estimated my sense of humor, though. My computer did it's weekly security check and, guess what it found? A tracking cookie from U.S. Intelligence was attached to my Weblog. Me? A security risk? Oh, come now! Being a good American, I won't embarraass the agency involved by mentioning their name (hint..hint..It's name starts with C.I.A.).
Can you believe it. Tracking the ramblings of a 54-year od, pacemaker wearing, loving father and grandfather! Wow! Sounds like a good use of taxpayer's money to me.
Oh yeah! I forgot. I mentioned Homeland Security once. Maybe it's because I asked the Library if they had a copy of Jack Kerouak's "On The Road".
Sleep well America. tomvickers@suddenlink.net
I "Channel" Dr. Mengele (Also, Dr. Suess and Dr. Pepper)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
I've been quite busy lately and haven't had a chance to use the ol' crystal. Let's dust it off and seance', shall we?
EENY-MEENY-CHILI-BEANY the spirits are about to speak!.....Hello? Hello? Anybody available? HELLO!..."I vas only following orders!"...Dr. Mengele? Is that you?..."Yawohl, is is me."...This is the first time I've talked to a Nazi. I don't know, uh, well, uh, mmm, how do I say this diplomatically? I don't know if I know what to ask..."Burp!"...Dr. Pepper? Wow! What a crystal! I've never "channeled" consumables before...."I've channeled this, I've channeled that, I've channeled a Cat in a Hat!"...Suess, old friend! Welcome! It's been a while. How are you?...."Burp!"..."It isn't fair, it isn't right, to channel Dr. pepper this night!"...Sorry, Suess. Not my fault. He just showed up...."Burp!" 10, 2 and 4. Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper, too?"..."BURP!"...Suess, are you drinking the Dr. Pepper?..."BURP!"...Mengele! You too?..."Ve have vays of making you talk!"...Folks, I'm not comfortable channeling Nazis..."Var kittens! I'm making Var kittens in the lab!"..."A little of this, a little of that, you can make war with his new cat!"..."BURP!"..."BURP!...I'm outta' here folks! tomvickers@suddenlink.net
I've been quite busy lately and haven't had a chance to use the ol' crystal. Let's dust it off and seance', shall we?
EENY-MEENY-CHILI-BEANY the spirits are about to speak!.....Hello? Hello? Anybody available? HELLO!..."I vas only following orders!"...Dr. Mengele? Is that you?..."Yawohl, is is me."...This is the first time I've talked to a Nazi. I don't know, uh, well, uh, mmm, how do I say this diplomatically? I don't know if I know what to ask..."Burp!"...Dr. Pepper? Wow! What a crystal! I've never "channeled" consumables before...."I've channeled this, I've channeled that, I've channeled a Cat in a Hat!"...Suess, old friend! Welcome! It's been a while. How are you?...."Burp!"..."It isn't fair, it isn't right, to channel Dr. pepper this night!"...Sorry, Suess. Not my fault. He just showed up...."Burp!" 10, 2 and 4. Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper, too?"..."BURP!"...Suess, are you drinking the Dr. Pepper?..."BURP!"...Mengele! You too?..."Ve have vays of making you talk!"...Folks, I'm not comfortable channeling Nazis..."Var kittens! I'm making Var kittens in the lab!"..."A little of this, a little of that, you can make war with his new cat!"..."BURP!"..."BURP!...I'm outta' here folks! tomvickers@suddenlink.net
Walter Cronkite a Pimp? (And That's The Way It Is...)
Dateline New York:
A shocking rumor has arisen regarding the past activities of former CBS anchor Walter Cronkite. Cronkite was once described as "the most trusted man in America". As many will recall, he said in the 70's, "This reporter sees no way to victory in Vietnamn!". Richard Nixon was reported to have said, "If we've lost Walter, we've lost America".
These "pimping" allegations are primarly coming from one "Boom-Boom Barbara", a former cocktail waitress, exotic dancer and sometimes prostitute. Said Boom-Boom, "Yeah, he looked like your favorite uncle sitting behind that News Desk but, believe me, he had a stable of 'fillys' back in the 70's. He could really slap, too! See this chipped tooth? Where do you think I got that? Uh-huh, dear ol' Walter, that's who!"
In trying to uncover this story, this reporter is running into a lot of resistance. Many of the women seem unwilling to talk. Said one, who requested anonymity, "You just dont understand! He's a very hard man! He's the 'Darth Vader' of the news jockey world!" Another nameless source stated, "I'm surprised it's take this long to come out! Many people have seen Walter cruising the streets collecting. Oh, I know, he was supposed to be tracking down a news story but, take it from me; he was slapping with one hand and collecting with the other!"
When asked for a comment, Andy Rooney, of 60 Minutes fame, said the following, "Have you ever wondered where they get polyester? Oh, sorry! You were asking if Walter was a pimp. Could be. I've often wondered about those feathered hats."
Obviously there is more to this story than meets the CBS "Eye". We shall see if "That's The Way It is" tomvickers@suddenlink.com
A shocking rumor has arisen regarding the past activities of former CBS anchor Walter Cronkite. Cronkite was once described as "the most trusted man in America". As many will recall, he said in the 70's, "This reporter sees no way to victory in Vietnamn!". Richard Nixon was reported to have said, "If we've lost Walter, we've lost America".
These "pimping" allegations are primarly coming from one "Boom-Boom Barbara", a former cocktail waitress, exotic dancer and sometimes prostitute. Said Boom-Boom, "Yeah, he looked like your favorite uncle sitting behind that News Desk but, believe me, he had a stable of 'fillys' back in the 70's. He could really slap, too! See this chipped tooth? Where do you think I got that? Uh-huh, dear ol' Walter, that's who!"
In trying to uncover this story, this reporter is running into a lot of resistance. Many of the women seem unwilling to talk. Said one, who requested anonymity, "You just dont understand! He's a very hard man! He's the 'Darth Vader' of the news jockey world!" Another nameless source stated, "I'm surprised it's take this long to come out! Many people have seen Walter cruising the streets collecting. Oh, I know, he was supposed to be tracking down a news story but, take it from me; he was slapping with one hand and collecting with the other!"
When asked for a comment, Andy Rooney, of 60 Minutes fame, said the following, "Have you ever wondered where they get polyester? Oh, sorry! You were asking if Walter was a pimp. Could be. I've often wondered about those feathered hats."
Obviously there is more to this story than meets the CBS "Eye". We shall see if "That's The Way It is" tomvickers@suddenlink.com
Ever Been "Googled"? Mmmmm! Feels Good! (A Little Lower, Please...)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
If you Google yourself (in private, please), will you go blind? If two or more consenting adults want to Google, it's OK by me, but, I have some questions:
1. Is it OK to Google outside your relationship?
2. Is same-sex Googling grounds for a Military discharge?
3. If you Google outside your species, are you a pervert?
4. Is it acceptable to Google inanimate objects?
5. Is it legal to Google an underage person?
6. Will you be arrested if you Google in public?
7. If you Google a family member, will your next computer be defective?
8. Does Googling on an airplane qualify you for the "Mile High" club?
9. Do the laws for Googling differ from state to state?
10. Can you Google "Live College Girls"?
11. Does Viagra enhance Googling or, must you use a dictionary?
12. Are there Google "toys"?'
13. Can you Google "Exotic Foreign Women"?
14. If you Google a stranger, must you wear latex gloves?
Like I said, I'm OK with consenting adults Googling. Google all you want but, I'm not cleaning up the mess! I was going to Google Stella, a woman I know, but, she has a headache!
Be careful if you're ever Yahoo'd. I was on antibiotics for a month! tomvickers@suddenlink.net
Handicraft Porn! (Is Martha Stewart Housebroken?)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
Have you ever been in a Michael's Craftstore? It's like a Wal Mart-sized craft emporium. Wall to wall styrofoam. They have more shapes of styrofoam than Al Qaida has AK-47s! Of course they have other stuff too. Ya' gotta' have something to glue to the styrofoam. They have styrofoam angels, stars, Easter eggs, trees, balls, little boys and girls, cubes, triangles, ovals, trapezoids, squares, circles and rhomboids. Somebody is making things outta' this stuff.They might even give it to you and expect you to display it (at least seasonally).
Styrofoam isn't all they carry. They have wood carving kits, yarn, glitter, cloth, plastic flowers, more plastic flowers and children's stickers. Oh my, the stickers! They also carry flags; American flags, un-American flags, Pirate flags and Alma Mater flags (every school in America, I think)! And man, do they have the paint! They have enough craft paint to "dip" a gazillion 747s.
They carry enough glue to hold Martha Stewart's mouth shut (she just won't go away, will she?). I swear that woman has more lives than all the cats at Auntie Em's! It'll take a stake in the heart to kill that woman! They have "heart stakes" at Michael's!
I blame Martha for starting this "craft-craze"! It's Handicraft Porn, for goodness sakes! I guess Homemaker Porn wasn't enough fo Martha!
By the way, does Martha ever go to the toilet? Never, in one of her shows, have I heard her say, "Gotta' go pee! Be right back,"....and..Fade to a Michael's commercial. tomvickers@suddenlink.net
Have you ever been in a Michael's Craftstore? It's like a Wal Mart-sized craft emporium. Wall to wall styrofoam. They have more shapes of styrofoam than Al Qaida has AK-47s! Of course they have other stuff too. Ya' gotta' have something to glue to the styrofoam. They have styrofoam angels, stars, Easter eggs, trees, balls, little boys and girls, cubes, triangles, ovals, trapezoids, squares, circles and rhomboids. Somebody is making things outta' this stuff.They might even give it to you and expect you to display it (at least seasonally).
Styrofoam isn't all they carry. They have wood carving kits, yarn, glitter, cloth, plastic flowers, more plastic flowers and children's stickers. Oh my, the stickers! They also carry flags; American flags, un-American flags, Pirate flags and Alma Mater flags (every school in America, I think)! And man, do they have the paint! They have enough craft paint to "dip" a gazillion 747s.
They carry enough glue to hold Martha Stewart's mouth shut (she just won't go away, will she?). I swear that woman has more lives than all the cats at Auntie Em's! It'll take a stake in the heart to kill that woman! They have "heart stakes" at Michael's!
I blame Martha for starting this "craft-craze"! It's Handicraft Porn, for goodness sakes! I guess Homemaker Porn wasn't enough fo Martha!
By the way, does Martha ever go to the toilet? Never, in one of her shows, have I heard her say, "Gotta' go pee! Be right back,"....and..Fade to a Michael's commercial. tomvickers@suddenlink.net
Yoda to Hospital ("Force" is Weak)
DATELINE ALPHA CENTAURI:
In a dramatic moment today, "Force" Master Yoda was rushed from the drug Rehab Center to the Millenium Falcon Memorial Hospital. One Jedi Knight who witnessed the event said, "Master Yoda was unresponsive, soiled and a very pale green."
In piecing this story together, it seems as though Yoda, in treatment for Light Saber Emission "huffing", spirited some topical alcohol swabs to his room and "sucked" them dry. The doctors in charge of his case said, "Master Yoda will be OK. He has the constituition of an R2D2 Robot. He will, however, have one heck of a headache tomorrow."
Joining Yoda at his bedside were Luke Skywalker, Princess Lei and Jar-Jar Binks. Jar-Jar was the only one to respond to reporters. He turned to the glare of the Holographic News Network (HNN) cameras and asked, "Where is the Cafeteria? Jar-Jar is hungry!".
We will keep you updated. tomvickers@suddenlink.net
In a dramatic moment today, "Force" Master Yoda was rushed from the drug Rehab Center to the Millenium Falcon Memorial Hospital. One Jedi Knight who witnessed the event said, "Master Yoda was unresponsive, soiled and a very pale green."
In piecing this story together, it seems as though Yoda, in treatment for Light Saber Emission "huffing", spirited some topical alcohol swabs to his room and "sucked" them dry. The doctors in charge of his case said, "Master Yoda will be OK. He has the constituition of an R2D2 Robot. He will, however, have one heck of a headache tomorrow."
Joining Yoda at his bedside were Luke Skywalker, Princess Lei and Jar-Jar Binks. Jar-Jar was the only one to respond to reporters. He turned to the glare of the Holographic News Network (HNN) cameras and asked, "Where is the Cafeteria? Jar-Jar is hungry!".
We will keep you updated. tomvickers@suddenlink.net
Alexandra Steele Said "Explainated" (I Heard It!)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
I was watching The Weather Channel the other night at my daughter's house and we heard Alexandra Steele say the word Explainated? Explainated! I have witnesses of good reputation. They heard it too. I swear to the good Lord above she said Explainated!
Now I'm from West Virginia and, I know I occasionally mangle a word, but, I've never invented one. Can you believe it? A professional news presenter? Explainated!
I have, in recent posts, spoofed The Weather Channel but, this is no spoof. She said it! By the way, thank you Heather Tesh for visiting my Weblog. I hope you know my writing about TWC has been all in fun. I'm sure you've done very little exotic dancing in your past.
Anyway, I just couldn't let Explainated go without comment. Actually, not a bad word. It's really a good Ideation! tomvickers@suddenlink.net
I was watching The Weather Channel the other night at my daughter's house and we heard Alexandra Steele say the word Explainated? Explainated! I have witnesses of good reputation. They heard it too. I swear to the good Lord above she said Explainated!
Now I'm from West Virginia and, I know I occasionally mangle a word, but, I've never invented one. Can you believe it? A professional news presenter? Explainated!
I have, in recent posts, spoofed The Weather Channel but, this is no spoof. She said it! By the way, thank you Heather Tesh for visiting my Weblog. I hope you know my writing about TWC has been all in fun. I'm sure you've done very little exotic dancing in your past.
Anyway, I just couldn't let Explainated go without comment. Actually, not a bad word. It's really a good Ideation! tomvickers@suddenlink.net
It's lonely at the Top! (A Cult's Culture)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
As some of you may know, I have a new cult; the Divine Old Personality Experiment(D.O.P.E.). Acolytes are known as Dopes. The world is full of potential members.
I'm very much the novice at Cult leadership and I'm finding out there's a lot to learn. I'm sure grateful that I didn't go in for one of those religious Cults. I don't want to work that hard, tell anybody how to worship or order robes from L.L. Bean. Besides, I make lousy Koolaid and don't look good in orange.
If any of you are considering starting your own Cult, let me warn you about some of the people who may join. Some of them will demand a lot of your time. More than a few will be a coupla' hot dogs shy of a picnic. Some of them smell funny and others will keep you Email inbox filled to the brim with ideas. You must be firm but gentle or some will scrimp on their dues.
This is more work than I anticipated. Maybe I'll settle into this Sensai role I've chosen. If not, there's always the Koolaid! tomvickers@suddenlink.net
As some of you may know, I have a new cult; the Divine Old Personality Experiment(D.O.P.E.). Acolytes are known as Dopes. The world is full of potential members.
I'm very much the novice at Cult leadership and I'm finding out there's a lot to learn. I'm sure grateful that I didn't go in for one of those religious Cults. I don't want to work that hard, tell anybody how to worship or order robes from L.L. Bean. Besides, I make lousy Koolaid and don't look good in orange.
If any of you are considering starting your own Cult, let me warn you about some of the people who may join. Some of them will demand a lot of your time. More than a few will be a coupla' hot dogs shy of a picnic. Some of them smell funny and others will keep you Email inbox filled to the brim with ideas. You must be firm but gentle or some will scrimp on their dues.
This is more work than I anticipated. Maybe I'll settle into this Sensai role I've chosen. If not, there's always the Koolaid! tomvickers@suddenlink.net
Oh, Joy! (Snake Day on the National Geographic Channel)
Hello Gentle Readers,
I try to accept the world as it is. I'm a live and let live kinda' guy but, I HATE SNAKES! It borders on a phobia. I don't care much for reptiles in general but, I REALLY HATE SNAKES! They're not finished for Pete's sake! Was God taking a nap or spending too much time with Bill Gates (Windows XP isn't finished either) when he planned them? No legs or eyelids? Come on now!
I guess it all goes back to my childhood. I grew up in rural West Virginia. Actually, you drove to "rural", hung a left and walked the rest of the way in (directions courtesy of MapQuest). I lived in a town called Decota. We couldn't afford a name of our own so, we stole on from a state and then spelled it wrong!
Anyway, when I was about six years old I was playing in the front yard with my little friend, Elaine. She started screaming and there, hanging on her ankle, was a venemous Copperhead! My dad finally killed the sucker, but, I can still see Elaine shaking her leg and the snake flopping around like a chicken on crack cocaine! Elaine nearly died!
I HATE SNAKES! I hate pictures of snakes! Snakes probably hate me too. I don't care! I HATE SNAKES! tomvickers@suddenlink.net
I try to accept the world as it is. I'm a live and let live kinda' guy but, I HATE SNAKES! It borders on a phobia. I don't care much for reptiles in general but, I REALLY HATE SNAKES! They're not finished for Pete's sake! Was God taking a nap or spending too much time with Bill Gates (Windows XP isn't finished either) when he planned them? No legs or eyelids? Come on now!
I guess it all goes back to my childhood. I grew up in rural West Virginia. Actually, you drove to "rural", hung a left and walked the rest of the way in (directions courtesy of MapQuest). I lived in a town called Decota. We couldn't afford a name of our own so, we stole on from a state and then spelled it wrong!
Anyway, when I was about six years old I was playing in the front yard with my little friend, Elaine. She started screaming and there, hanging on her ankle, was a venemous Copperhead! My dad finally killed the sucker, but, I can still see Elaine shaking her leg and the snake flopping around like a chicken on crack cocaine! Elaine nearly died!
I HATE SNAKES! I hate pictures of snakes! Snakes probably hate me too. I don't care! I HATE SNAKES! tomvickers@suddenlink.net
Marry Again? (I'll Just Buy Her a House!)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
I'm in the middle of yet another divorce. I don't get it. I'm nice, friendly, uncritical and haven't raised my voice in years. I'm easy to live with, I can cook, clean, wash clothes and I'm sexy as all get out! I don't get it!
Don't get me wrong, I never try to understand women. I'd have a better shot at understanding Particle Physics! I seemingly have no mental defense against women!
Why are divorces so hard to accomplish? You divide everything (but the dog) down the middle, wish each other the best and move on. But, nooo! Hey, ya' gotta' dollar, split it in half and each gets 50 cents. Divorce has it's own math, though. Ya' gotta' a dollar, split it in half and she gets the house! I've lost more Real Estate that way!
Next time I'm not getting married. I'll just find a woman I hate and buy her a house! tomvickers@suddenlink.net
Yoda to Drug Rehab ("Huffing" Light Saber Emissions)
DATELINE APLHA CENTAURI:
Today there was a disturbing report out of the local Jedi compound. It said that "Force Master" Yoda has entered a Drug Rehab center. A spokesman for the "May The Force Be With You Center" was unable to speculate on the duration of Master Yoda's stay . In a short, terse statement he said, "His experimental journey into the 'Dark Side' can now be explained. Master Yoda was picked up in a raid on a Brothel and was drug tested, found positive, and brought here."
It has long been known that Light Saber emission "huffing" is an occupational hazard for these good Jedi Knights. Yoda is not the first; both Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan-Kenobi have done short stints in rehab for this very thing.
Speaking on the condition of anonymity, another Jedi Knight said, "Master Yoda has a lot of work ahead of him. We'll all help, of course, but he must really want to kick this hideous habit. It won't be easy! It never is. Ozone Anonymous meetings are a must!"
Before signing in, Master Yoda, obviously tipsy, said, "May the with be Force You!"
More as this story develops. tomvickers@suddenlink.net
Today there was a disturbing report out of the local Jedi compound. It said that "Force Master" Yoda has entered a Drug Rehab center. A spokesman for the "May The Force Be With You Center" was unable to speculate on the duration of Master Yoda's stay . In a short, terse statement he said, "His experimental journey into the 'Dark Side' can now be explained. Master Yoda was picked up in a raid on a Brothel and was drug tested, found positive, and brought here."
It has long been known that Light Saber emission "huffing" is an occupational hazard for these good Jedi Knights. Yoda is not the first; both Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan-Kenobi have done short stints in rehab for this very thing.
Speaking on the condition of anonymity, another Jedi Knight said, "Master Yoda has a lot of work ahead of him. We'll all help, of course, but he must really want to kick this hideous habit. It won't be easy! It never is. Ozone Anonymous meetings are a must!"
Before signing in, Master Yoda, obviously tipsy, said, "May the with be Force You!"
More as this story develops. tomvickers@suddenlink.net
Stella Gets Her Groove Back (Dancin' in the Cult)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
I've gotta' new Cult member! Yay! For those of you who haven't heard, I've started my own Cult. It's legal and everything. It's called the "Divine Old Personality Experiment" (D.O.P.E.). Acolytes are known as Dopes.
My friend, Stella, joined last night. Stella s a pretty good ol' gal but, she's not all that bright. Actually, she's as dumb as a sled track, but still, a good ol' gal. Would you believe she named her dogs Timex and Swatch? Watch dogs, of course.
Now, including Mom, Stella and me we have three members. I'm thrilled with the growth; three hundred per cent in just three days. Wow!
I'd like to snag a celebrity or two but, the good ones like John Travolta and Tom Cruise are already taken. I don't know if they'd be willing to double dip. Maybe I can entice some of The Weather Channel crew to join. Hmmmm! Heather tesh, Jim Cantori and Alexandra Steele would all make good acolytes. Yes, I think they'd all make good Dopes. tomvickers@suddenlink.net
I've gotta' new Cult member! Yay! For those of you who haven't heard, I've started my own Cult. It's legal and everything. It's called the "Divine Old Personality Experiment" (D.O.P.E.). Acolytes are known as Dopes.
My friend, Stella, joined last night. Stella s a pretty good ol' gal but, she's not all that bright. Actually, she's as dumb as a sled track, but still, a good ol' gal. Would you believe she named her dogs Timex and Swatch? Watch dogs, of course.
Now, including Mom, Stella and me we have three members. I'm thrilled with the growth; three hundred per cent in just three days. Wow!
I'd like to snag a celebrity or two but, the good ones like John Travolta and Tom Cruise are already taken. I don't know if they'd be willing to double dip. Maybe I can entice some of The Weather Channel crew to join. Hmmmm! Heather tesh, Jim Cantori and Alexandra Steele would all make good acolytes. Yes, I think they'd all make good Dopes. tomvickers@suddenlink.net
If You Call Within the Next 10 minutes....
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
I've been thinking about this for some time. Almost all of we writers publish our Weblogs for free. For free, mind you! Now, if you've read my "stuff", you know I don't put all that much work into it, but still, for free? I'm a good American. I didn't cash in on the "Dot Com" revolution, did you? Don't we deserve a piece of the "Cyber" pie?
I've got an idea. I'm going to start the "blog" rolling by selling mine...."Friends! Look now! Postings! What would you expect to pay for one of these? $100.00? No! $50.00? No! They're only $19.95, friends! You heard right! $19.95! Act now and I'll even pay the Shipping and Handling! If you call within the next 10 minutes I'll throw in a handy nosehair trimmer and a nude picture of Osama Bin Laden! This offer will not be repeated and is not available in stores! Call 1-800-555-blog".
Void where prohibited. You must pay all applicable taxes. Offer not available in New Hampshire and Iowa. You must be 18 or older to participate. tomvickers@suddenlink.net
I've been thinking about this for some time. Almost all of we writers publish our Weblogs for free. For free, mind you! Now, if you've read my "stuff", you know I don't put all that much work into it, but still, for free? I'm a good American. I didn't cash in on the "Dot Com" revolution, did you? Don't we deserve a piece of the "Cyber" pie?
I've got an idea. I'm going to start the "blog" rolling by selling mine...."Friends! Look now! Postings! What would you expect to pay for one of these? $100.00? No! $50.00? No! They're only $19.95, friends! You heard right! $19.95! Act now and I'll even pay the Shipping and Handling! If you call within the next 10 minutes I'll throw in a handy nosehair trimmer and a nude picture of Osama Bin Laden! This offer will not be repeated and is not available in stores! Call 1-800-555-blog".
Void where prohibited. You must pay all applicable taxes. Offer not available in New Hampshire and Iowa. You must be 18 or older to participate. tomvickers@suddenlink.net
My Birthday Cult (Take a Number, Please)
Hello Gentle Readers,
My fledgling "Cult of Personality" hit a snag. Here in West Virginia you have to register your Cult with the State Attorney Generals Office! When I went down Friday to register and pay the $15.00 filing fee, the place was packed. It was like going to Outback Steakhouse on a Saturday night! They even had this little"take-a-number-please" machine like at Ben & Jerry's! My number was 622. Wow, number 622! I asked number 621 how long she'd been there and she told me she had already eaten a Pizza Hut delivery pizza.
It's a good thing I'm a tough guy. They didn't even have chairs! All we aspiring Cult leaders just mingled and talked about our goals. Very, very interesting conversation, it was. My goals are fairly simple: money and women. But, some of these guys have much loftier ambitions. One wants us to "float" above our petty states of mind and commune with John Lennon. Another wants to play sitar music and sell flowers in the Wal Mart parking lot. Yet another wants us to worship the memory of Rock 'em-Sock 'em Robots. One guy had it in mind that we could sit in a circle outside of the General Motors Corporate Headquarters and pray for the return of the Z-28 Camaro (I kinda' like that one, myself).
Real nice folks, they were. In the end, we all agreed to join each other's Cults if all financial considerations were waived. Honorary members, so to speak.
Well, I my number was finally called. When I got to the counter I found out you had to have a sort of Cult "Domain" name. Mmmmm? I decided on the name "Divine Old Personality Experiment" (D.O.P.E.). The members will all be "Dopes".
Ya'll come on and join while the paint is fresh. tomvickers@suddenlink.net
My fledgling "Cult of Personality" hit a snag. Here in West Virginia you have to register your Cult with the State Attorney Generals Office! When I went down Friday to register and pay the $15.00 filing fee, the place was packed. It was like going to Outback Steakhouse on a Saturday night! They even had this little"take-a-number-please" machine like at Ben & Jerry's! My number was 622. Wow, number 622! I asked number 621 how long she'd been there and she told me she had already eaten a Pizza Hut delivery pizza.
It's a good thing I'm a tough guy. They didn't even have chairs! All we aspiring Cult leaders just mingled and talked about our goals. Very, very interesting conversation, it was. My goals are fairly simple: money and women. But, some of these guys have much loftier ambitions. One wants us to "float" above our petty states of mind and commune with John Lennon. Another wants to play sitar music and sell flowers in the Wal Mart parking lot. Yet another wants us to worship the memory of Rock 'em-Sock 'em Robots. One guy had it in mind that we could sit in a circle outside of the General Motors Corporate Headquarters and pray for the return of the Z-28 Camaro (I kinda' like that one, myself).
Real nice folks, they were. In the end, we all agreed to join each other's Cults if all financial considerations were waived. Honorary members, so to speak.
Well, I my number was finally called. When I got to the counter I found out you had to have a sort of Cult "Domain" name. Mmmmm? I decided on the name "Divine Old Personality Experiment" (D.O.P.E.). The members will all be "Dopes".
Ya'll come on and join while the paint is fresh. tomvickers@suddenlink.net
Hot Dog! My First Cult Member! (Thanks Mom)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
As I wrote a little earlier, I wanna' Cult for my Birthday. I've decided on a "Cult of Personality". I am eschewing any Cults with religious overtones. Now, finally, my first acolyte! Ok, Ok, it's only my Mom and, she refuses to send money, but, it's a beginning.
If you join and send me all your money, I promise to spend it wisely. I'll buy me, uh, us a new Jeep Cherokee and a Fender Stratocaster guitar. For beautiful women (and all women are beautiful), no money need change hands. I'm sure we can work out something. tomvickers@suddenlink.net
As I wrote a little earlier, I wanna' Cult for my Birthday. I've decided on a "Cult of Personality". I am eschewing any Cults with religious overtones. Now, finally, my first acolyte! Ok, Ok, it's only my Mom and, she refuses to send money, but, it's a beginning.
If you join and send me all your money, I promise to spend it wisely. I'll buy me, uh, us a new Jeep Cherokee and a Fender Stratocaster guitar. For beautiful women (and all women are beautiful), no money need change hands. I'm sure we can work out something. tomvickers@suddenlink.net
My Birthday's Around the Corner (I Wanna' Cult)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
I've gotta' Birthday coming up and I really don't need anthing. Well, more sex would be nice but, you probably can't (or won't) help me out there. What do you get a man who doesn't need anything? Then, it came to me. A Cult! I don't mean a "Koolaid" Cult or a religious Cult; way too much maintenance in those. I know! A "Cult of Personality"! That's it. That's the ticket!
Now, If I can get somebody else to give me a "personality", I'll be set. send all your money and naked women to tomvickers@suddenlink.net
I've gotta' Birthday coming up and I really don't need anthing. Well, more sex would be nice but, you probably can't (or won't) help me out there. What do you get a man who doesn't need anything? Then, it came to me. A Cult! I don't mean a "Koolaid" Cult or a religious Cult; way too much maintenance in those. I know! A "Cult of Personality"! That's it. That's the ticket!
Now, If I can get somebody else to give me a "personality", I'll be set. send all your money and naked women to tomvickers@suddenlink.net
Weather Channel Scandal Storms On! (Tesh Denies Fan Dancing)
DATELINE WEATHER CENTRAL:
Today, speaking through her attorney, Heather Tesh, weather personality, denied ever being involved in exotic dancing. According to her attorney, Robert Shapiro, "There was a girl in the class ahead of Heather who's resemblance was uncanny. This 'Dark Skies' source has it all wrong. Everybody knows that Heather is a wholesome, All-American girl. These accusations of Fan Dancing are utter nonsense! We will soon make a decision whether or not to file suit"!
"Dark Skies" was out of town but, did send a Text Message which reads, "Bull****!" Alexandra Steele, Tesh's co-worker, said, "If this thing goes to trial, I'll be there every day! I wouldn't miss it for a farm in Georgia"! In a separate statement, Marshall Seese said, "My God! This is the worst storm I've seen in years!"
More as the information floods in. tomvickers@suddenlink.net
Today, speaking through her attorney, Heather Tesh, weather personality, denied ever being involved in exotic dancing. According to her attorney, Robert Shapiro, "There was a girl in the class ahead of Heather who's resemblance was uncanny. This 'Dark Skies' source has it all wrong. Everybody knows that Heather is a wholesome, All-American girl. These accusations of Fan Dancing are utter nonsense! We will soon make a decision whether or not to file suit"!
"Dark Skies" was out of town but, did send a Text Message which reads, "Bull****!" Alexandra Steele, Tesh's co-worker, said, "If this thing goes to trial, I'll be there every day! I wouldn't miss it for a farm in Georgia"! In a separate statement, Marshall Seese said, "My God! This is the worst storm I've seen in years!"
More as the information floods in. tomvickers@suddenlink.net
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