TV's BLOG--AIN'T LIFE GRAND
My blog is like the old Seinfeld TV Show--about "nothing at all". I will not try to inform you, sway your opinion, tell you how or how not to worship or marry your sister. Oh, by the way, do you have any pictures of you sister? Sorry, it slipped out! I want you to laugh with me, at me or near me!
No Animals Were Harmed During the Writing of this Blog
DATELINE FRANKFORT GERMANY:
A search through the War Archive Center uncovered the above surprising photo. It was taken in Krakow, Poland in late 1939.
It has long been known that Adolph Hitler wasa vegetarian and an animal lover. What was not know is how this may have driven the outcome of WWII.
Documents uncovered with the photo also include an order from the German High Command (Order number Z871). Translated, this order reads, "No animals are to be harmed during the executation of this war".
A later policy by the American film industry states basically the same thing: "No animals were harmed during the making of this film".
Odd coincidence or collusion? You decide.
Tom Vickers
A Caveman's Day (No Corporate Koolaid!)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
I was reading the other day that Anthropologists estimate that it took the average Caveman (1 cave, 1 wife, 3.5 kids, 1 Wolf-hound and 3 spears) about two hours a day to provide his family with all of their needs. Wow! All the food, caves, loin cloths, spears, clubs, Cave Paintings and TaxShelters they needed. He could go out, spear a Wooly Rhino and then hang around the cave all day in his loin cloth drinking beer and watching John Wayne movies on the Big Screen. SWEET! No Coporate Kool Aid for Og!
What happened? The last few years I worked I put in about 80 hours a week. What happened? How many hours a day do you work? More than two I bet! What in the world happened?
Who invented work? Hmmm?... Ah! Cavewoman, that's who!
Tom Vickers
I was reading the other day that Anthropologists estimate that it took the average Caveman (1 cave, 1 wife, 3.5 kids, 1 Wolf-hound and 3 spears) about two hours a day to provide his family with all of their needs. Wow! All the food, caves, loin cloths, spears, clubs, Cave Paintings and TaxShelters they needed. He could go out, spear a Wooly Rhino and then hang around the cave all day in his loin cloth drinking beer and watching John Wayne movies on the Big Screen. SWEET! No Coporate Kool Aid for Og!
What happened? The last few years I worked I put in about 80 hours a week. What happened? How many hours a day do you work? More than two I bet! What in the world happened?
Who invented work? Hmmm?... Ah! Cavewoman, that's who!
Tom Vickers
I'm From "Appa-latch-ia" (Not "Appa-lash-ia", By God!)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
Don't you believe everything you hear on CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, or some local TV news broadcasts. There's no "long-A" sound in Appalachia! Now, it may take you decades of in-breeding to learn how to pronounce this correctly. I'm going to save you all that time. There's no "long-A" sound in Appalachia.
My folks have been isolated in these hills for 2-1/2 centuries. My Mom (Hi Mom!) is a member of the DAR and there's no "long-A" sound in Appalachia.
I dun been ta' Charleston, seed that there Capitol dome and 'et in a great ol' big KFC (we always git us sum chikin on Sundays) and there ain't no "long-A" sound in Appalachia. I dun been ta' skool, kin rite my name reel gud and do simple cifers and been in three counties. I dun gitted on this here innernet spider-web and seed Billy Ray Cryus on that there History Channel. Billy didn't use a "long-A" sound in two hours. There ain't no "long-A" sound in Applachia!
THERE'S NO "LONG-A" SOUND IN APPALACHIA!
Tom Vickers
Don't you believe everything you hear on CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, or some local TV news broadcasts. There's no "long-A" sound in Appalachia! Now, it may take you decades of in-breeding to learn how to pronounce this correctly. I'm going to save you all that time. There's no "long-A" sound in Appalachia.
My folks have been isolated in these hills for 2-1/2 centuries. My Mom (Hi Mom!) is a member of the DAR and there's no "long-A" sound in Appalachia.
I dun been ta' Charleston, seed that there Capitol dome and 'et in a great ol' big KFC (we always git us sum chikin on Sundays) and there ain't no "long-A" sound in Appalachia. I dun been ta' skool, kin rite my name reel gud and do simple cifers and been in three counties. I dun gitted on this here innernet spider-web and seed Billy Ray Cryus on that there History Channel. Billy didn't use a "long-A" sound in two hours. There ain't no "long-A" sound in Applachia!
THERE'S NO "LONG-A" SOUND IN APPALACHIA!
Tom Vickers
Mr. Spock in Restraints (Yoda in Deep)
DATELINE ORION'S BELT-PADEWAN CENTER:
Reports out of the YOU HAVE LEARNED WELL YOUNG PADEWAN drug rehab center state that Mr. Spock has been using the "Force" with reckless abandon. He acquired this Jedi skill after performing the "Vulcan Mind Meld" on Master Yoda. Both are in the Padewan center for substance abuse; Spock for "snorting" Dilithium Crystals and Master Yoda for "huffing" Light Saber Emissions.
Spock, after "Melding" Yoda, has been exhibiting some very strange behavior. Said Padewan officials, "The final straw was his being found alone in a closet with Starista, the Dancing Girl from Jabba the Hut's lair. Starista is in for Robot Lubricant abuse. We can't have this!"
Master Yoda, after receiving the "Meld", has been re-engineering the HVAC System and re-programing the Computer Network in the Padewan Center. Said a maintenance worker, "Not only do we get Holographic Box Office on the Wide Screen Crystal, now the room temperature adjusts to each individual. I hope they don't revert Yoda back too soon. I'm having a devil of a time with the Laser Disposal System and, he's promised to take a look at it. Spock however, is another kettle of Starfish. Son-of-a-Gun stole my lunch three days running!"
More as it develops. tomvickers@suddenlink.net
Studios Drop Godzilla (Godzilla Considering Second Career)
DATELINE MT. MIDORIAMI:
After being released by Itizuzi Studios, "B" Movie star Godzilla announced his retirement from Motion Pictures. Long a Sci-Fi icon, his announced retirement was a shock to many in the industry. Many fans expressed regret at his decision to give up his long andsuccessful Movie career.
When asked why, Godzilla, speaking through a translator, said, "I'm getting too old to do my old stunts. it's time to move on. Besides, I'm tired of working with the delayed subtitle requirements. It's harder than you think!"
He plans on keeping busy by making guest appearances and teaching Geography to "Special-ED" students.
We will miss you old friend. Sayonara. tomvickers@suddenlink.net
Genetic Engineering and Bovine Art (Holy Cow!)
DATELINE SOUTHERN OHIO:
Just off the wire: Scientists at the "Mad Cow Dairy Research Center" have announced a breakthrough in Genetic Engineering. They have isolated an "artistic" gene in Dairy Cattle. Said Dr. Milo Cellsplit, "This gene is not present in all cows. At this time we estimate it at about sixty per cent."
As I understand it, when this gene is manipulated odd things happen. Butter made from the "manipulated" cows milk will form itself into "expressive" art. The variety has been astounding.
The above representation of Jesus was formed from the milk of one Daisy Cudspit. Oleo Lordy Me!
tomvickers@suddenlink.net
Yoda "Mind Melds" Rodents (It's Getting Squirrely)
DATELINE ORION'S BELT-PADAWAN CENTER:
Reports out of the YOU HAVE LEARNED WELL YOUNG PADAWAN drug rehab center say that "Force Master" Yoda, in for Light Saber Emission "huffing', has applied the "Vulcan Mind Meld" to a nest of squirrels. Master Yoda learned the "Vulcan Mind Meld" from Mr. Spock. Spock is in for Dilithium Crystal "snorting".
"You can't walk on the grounds," said a Padewan employee. "Apparantly squirrels can't tell the difference between the 'good guys' and the 'bad guys'! None of us are safe!", he said. Another employee said, "The grounds are littered with the corpses of Orion Cats, Belt Hawks and Millenium Falcons. It's out of hand! They are even taking saber swipes at the visitors, who used to feed them!"
Yoda has been put on probation and had to spend an hour in "Time Out". It is not known what will happen to the squirrels. tomvickers@suddenlink.net
Strip Tease and Phonics (Career Decisions)
I can't read or pull up my zipper, guess I'll just be a stripper. I can dance and I can sing, I'll have to get a new G-String.
From Dr. Suess "Does Dallas". Rated XXX
Co-Dependent Letters (Alphabet Soup)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
Ya' know, some letters need therapy. I have a particular concern with the letter "H"! Although sometimes found alone, it is more often found in the company of other letters: "W", "G", "S", "T", "P", "R" and "C". Also seeking the company of other letters are "Q" (completely dependent on "U"--sad, really) and "K" (not only dependent on "C" but, actually steals it's sound).
Silent "G's" have their own issues about which an entire blog could be written!
Is it time for an Editorial "Intervention"? Is there a Twelve-Step Program available? If so, would "K", the 13th letter qualify?
"Hi! My name is "H" and I'm a Co-Dependent!" tomvickers@suddenlink.net
Yoda Moved! (Spock to be Mentor)
DATELINE ORION'S BELT:
"Force Master" Yoda, in Drug Treatment for Light Saber Emission "huffing", has been moved from the center in the Alpha Centauri system to the "Well You Have Learned Young Padewan" center in the Orion's Belt system. It is hoped that the intensive care at "Padewan" will benefit Master Yoda.
Sources at the Jedi compound on "Alpha" reported that Master Yoda had stopped eating. He complained that the food had "Wookie" hair in it. "Unpalatable, it is. Away you must take it!" he was heard to say.
At the "Padewan", Master Yoda was assigned a room with Mr. Spock of Star Trek fame. Spock is in treatment for snorting "Dilithium Crystals". This is a habit he apparantly picked up duringStar Trek II. Rumor has it that he was turned on to the "Crystal" by the Ship's Engineer of the Enterprise, Scottie. Sources say that Scottie has had the "Dili" habit for years. When asked, Scottie retorted, "I canna' make 'er go any faster, Cap'n!"
A secret source in Group Therapy said, "Spock's influence on Yoda is being considered a breakthrough."
I guess it's only logical. tomvickers@suddenlink.net
Yoda Back to Drug Rehab (Odd Behavior Noted)
DATELINE ALPHA CENTAURI:
As doctors formed a protective ring around him, "Force Master" Yoda was returned from the hospital back to Drug Rehab today. It is being reported that Master Yoda will be subject to a very intense Rehab regimen to help him overcome his addiction to Light Saber Emission "huffing".
One source close to the situation said, "When Master Yoda was brought in yesterday, he was as 'tight as a fly in amber'. The Ozone 'huffing' is just the tip of the Ort Cloud. Master Yoda has issues that go back for centuries!"
As Yoda was being hustled to the Toyata Hover Van, he was heard to say to a constellation of reporters. "Go Force yourselves!", and then made an obcene gesture.
Wow! This story has legs! tomvickers@suddenlink.net
Deep-Fried Butterflies (Put 'Em on a Stick)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
I now live in a rural area of Applachia after living and working as an Architect in Charlotte, NC for many years. The only insects we had to deal with on a regular basis there were really gigantic roaches. I'm talking 50's, Sci-Fi roaches! They only came three-to-a-household. In herd-sized numbers the SOB's would've starved. I'm sorry. I've digressed. This isn't about the roaches. Brrrrr!...Ok. I've recovered enough to soldier on.
There's more kinds of insects in West Virginia than in you average Rain Forest. Big "Sum-bitches", too! I swear, some of the butterflies and moths have the wingspan of a Harpy Eagle! An insect should not be able to do a fly-over and shade your whole house.
Did you ever eat a "Butterfly-on-a-Stick"? First ya' gotta' wrestle the bastards to the ground and "de-wing" 'em. I swear, ya' put 'em in a vat of hot grease for about 12 minutes and they're no too bad.
Most of us who grew up in Applachia in the 60's couldn't be too picky about protein choices. Especially after the Kennedys and Rockerfellers came down and told us we were poor. We didn't know. If you live in the "Kingdom of the Blind" you don't need eye doctors.
Anyway, I'm going to a "Butterfly Sit-Down Dinner" this weekend. I haven't been to one in years. Why don't ya'll come on over. RSVP tomvickers@suddenlink.net
I now live in a rural area of Applachia after living and working as an Architect in Charlotte, NC for many years. The only insects we had to deal with on a regular basis there were really gigantic roaches. I'm talking 50's, Sci-Fi roaches! They only came three-to-a-household. In herd-sized numbers the SOB's would've starved. I'm sorry. I've digressed. This isn't about the roaches. Brrrrr!...Ok. I've recovered enough to soldier on.
There's more kinds of insects in West Virginia than in you average Rain Forest. Big "Sum-bitches", too! I swear, some of the butterflies and moths have the wingspan of a Harpy Eagle! An insect should not be able to do a fly-over and shade your whole house.
Did you ever eat a "Butterfly-on-a-Stick"? First ya' gotta' wrestle the bastards to the ground and "de-wing" 'em. I swear, ya' put 'em in a vat of hot grease for about 12 minutes and they're no too bad.
Most of us who grew up in Applachia in the 60's couldn't be too picky about protein choices. Especially after the Kennedys and Rockerfellers came down and told us we were poor. We didn't know. If you live in the "Kingdom of the Blind" you don't need eye doctors.
Anyway, I'm going to a "Butterfly Sit-Down Dinner" this weekend. I haven't been to one in years. Why don't ya'll come on over. RSVP tomvickers@suddenlink.net
Dyslexic Jeopardy (That Spells "Truoble")
"WELCOME EVERYBODY! IT'S TIME FOR DYSLEXIC JEOPARDY! AND NOW, YOUR HOST, AXEL TREBEC!"... "Thanks Johnny. Let's meet today's contestants. First, a hooker from Hoboken, NJ, Bambi Heysailor. Next, a Bookie from Dallas, Billy Bob Roberts and, finally, a convicted felon from St. Louis, Three-Finger Lefew. An earlier coin toss determined that Bambi wil choose first."
"Thanks, Axel. I'll take Potion Mictures for $100."... HE PLAYED THE LEAD IN 'THE GRADUATE'...Bzzzzt!..."Ok, Bambi."..."Uh, uh. Shoot Axle, I didn't graduate!"..."Sorry"...Bzzzzt!..."Who is Mot Cruise, Axel?"..."No, sorry."..."Who is Dustin Ffhoman, Axel?"..."Correct Billy Bob. Choose!"..."I'll take Lamous Fadies, Axel."...SHE SAID LET THEM EAT K ACE...Bzzzzt!..."Who is Tammy Winette, Axel?"..."No, sorry Bambi."...Bzzzt.."Who is Marie Toinanet, Axel?..."Correct, Three-Finger. Pick a category."..."I'll take Convicted Lefons, Axel."..."How did I know you were going to say that?"...SHE REDECORATED EVERY CELL IN HER WING...Bzzzt!..."Who is Martha Washington, Alex?"... "Nooo. Sorry, Bambi"..."Who is Startha Mewart?"..."Correct, Billy Bob. Now were going to take a commercial break. We'll be back soon."
tomvickers@suddenlink.net
"Thanks, Axel. I'll take Potion Mictures for $100."... HE PLAYED THE LEAD IN 'THE GRADUATE'...Bzzzzt!..."Ok, Bambi."..."Uh, uh. Shoot Axle, I didn't graduate!"..."Sorry"...Bzzzzt!..."Who is Mot Cruise, Axel?"..."No, sorry."..."Who is Dustin Ffhoman, Axel?"..."Correct Billy Bob. Choose!"..."I'll take Lamous Fadies, Axel."...SHE SAID LET THEM EAT K ACE...Bzzzzt!..."Who is Tammy Winette, Axel?"..."No, sorry Bambi."...Bzzzt.."Who is Marie Toinanet, Axel?..."Correct, Three-Finger. Pick a category."..."I'll take Convicted Lefons, Axel."..."How did I know you were going to say that?"...SHE REDECORATED EVERY CELL IN HER WING...Bzzzt!..."Who is Martha Washington, Alex?"... "Nooo. Sorry, Bambi"..."Who is Startha Mewart?"..."Correct, Billy Bob. Now were going to take a commercial break. We'll be back soon."
tomvickers@suddenlink.net
JFK Conspiricy Revealed (Grassy Knoll theory Debunked)
DATELINE WASHINGTON DC:
BULLETIN, JUST IN,
After years of submitting "Freedom of Information Act" requests, I finally wore them down. It was the "Cat in the Hat" in cahoots with Oswald. "Puss 'n Boots" is also under suspicion.
I guess that's what JFK gets for "tom-catting" around.
tomvickers@suddenlink.net
A Security Risk? little Ol' Me? (Ask U.S. Intel'....)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,Let me start with a confession; I'm comitting Weblog adultry! I know, I know, I'm ashamed (sorry mom). I'm two-timing worpress. Please forgive me!
The following is a post of mine from wordpress and, I swear, it's true:
In my sixty-odd posts (some odder than others), I've mentioned the following: George Bush once, Dick Cheney once, Al Qaida three times, Hillary once, Obama once, AK-47's once and Senator Byrd once.
Now, I'm not all that political; life's too short to listen to people being careless with the truth. In all of the above-mentioned posts, my goal was to be funny. I may have over-estimated my sense of humor, though. My computer did it's weekly security check and, guess what it found? A tracking cookie from U.S. Intelligence was attached to my Weblog. Me? A security risk? Oh, come now! Being a good American, I won't embarraass the agency involved by mentioning their name (hint..hint..It's name starts with C.I.A.).
Can you believe it. Tracking the ramblings of a 54-year od, pacemaker wearing, loving father and grandfather! Wow! Sounds like a good use of taxpayer's money to me.
Oh yeah! I forgot. I mentioned Homeland Security once. Maybe it's because I asked the Library if they had a copy of Jack Kerouak's "On The Road".
Sleep well America. tomvickers@suddenlink.net
I "Channel" Dr. Mengele (Also, Dr. Suess and Dr. Pepper)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
I've been quite busy lately and haven't had a chance to use the ol' crystal. Let's dust it off and seance', shall we?
EENY-MEENY-CHILI-BEANY the spirits are about to speak!.....Hello? Hello? Anybody available? HELLO!..."I vas only following orders!"...Dr. Mengele? Is that you?..."Yawohl, is is me."...This is the first time I've talked to a Nazi. I don't know, uh, well, uh, mmm, how do I say this diplomatically? I don't know if I know what to ask..."Burp!"...Dr. Pepper? Wow! What a crystal! I've never "channeled" consumables before...."I've channeled this, I've channeled that, I've channeled a Cat in a Hat!"...Suess, old friend! Welcome! It's been a while. How are you?...."Burp!"..."It isn't fair, it isn't right, to channel Dr. pepper this night!"...Sorry, Suess. Not my fault. He just showed up...."Burp!" 10, 2 and 4. Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper, too?"..."BURP!"...Suess, are you drinking the Dr. Pepper?..."BURP!"...Mengele! You too?..."Ve have vays of making you talk!"...Folks, I'm not comfortable channeling Nazis..."Var kittens! I'm making Var kittens in the lab!"..."A little of this, a little of that, you can make war with his new cat!"..."BURP!"..."BURP!...I'm outta' here folks! tomvickers@suddenlink.net
I've been quite busy lately and haven't had a chance to use the ol' crystal. Let's dust it off and seance', shall we?
EENY-MEENY-CHILI-BEANY the spirits are about to speak!.....Hello? Hello? Anybody available? HELLO!..."I vas only following orders!"...Dr. Mengele? Is that you?..."Yawohl, is is me."...This is the first time I've talked to a Nazi. I don't know, uh, well, uh, mmm, how do I say this diplomatically? I don't know if I know what to ask..."Burp!"...Dr. Pepper? Wow! What a crystal! I've never "channeled" consumables before...."I've channeled this, I've channeled that, I've channeled a Cat in a Hat!"...Suess, old friend! Welcome! It's been a while. How are you?...."Burp!"..."It isn't fair, it isn't right, to channel Dr. pepper this night!"...Sorry, Suess. Not my fault. He just showed up...."Burp!" 10, 2 and 4. Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper, too?"..."BURP!"...Suess, are you drinking the Dr. Pepper?..."BURP!"...Mengele! You too?..."Ve have vays of making you talk!"...Folks, I'm not comfortable channeling Nazis..."Var kittens! I'm making Var kittens in the lab!"..."A little of this, a little of that, you can make war with his new cat!"..."BURP!"..."BURP!...I'm outta' here folks! tomvickers@suddenlink.net
Walter Cronkite a Pimp? (And That's The Way It Is...)
Dateline New York:
A shocking rumor has arisen regarding the past activities of former CBS anchor Walter Cronkite. Cronkite was once described as "the most trusted man in America". As many will recall, he said in the 70's, "This reporter sees no way to victory in Vietnamn!". Richard Nixon was reported to have said, "If we've lost Walter, we've lost America".
These "pimping" allegations are primarly coming from one "Boom-Boom Barbara", a former cocktail waitress, exotic dancer and sometimes prostitute. Said Boom-Boom, "Yeah, he looked like your favorite uncle sitting behind that News Desk but, believe me, he had a stable of 'fillys' back in the 70's. He could really slap, too! See this chipped tooth? Where do you think I got that? Uh-huh, dear ol' Walter, that's who!"
In trying to uncover this story, this reporter is running into a lot of resistance. Many of the women seem unwilling to talk. Said one, who requested anonymity, "You just dont understand! He's a very hard man! He's the 'Darth Vader' of the news jockey world!" Another nameless source stated, "I'm surprised it's take this long to come out! Many people have seen Walter cruising the streets collecting. Oh, I know, he was supposed to be tracking down a news story but, take it from me; he was slapping with one hand and collecting with the other!"
When asked for a comment, Andy Rooney, of 60 Minutes fame, said the following, "Have you ever wondered where they get polyester? Oh, sorry! You were asking if Walter was a pimp. Could be. I've often wondered about those feathered hats."
Obviously there is more to this story than meets the CBS "Eye". We shall see if "That's The Way It is" tomvickers@suddenlink.com
A shocking rumor has arisen regarding the past activities of former CBS anchor Walter Cronkite. Cronkite was once described as "the most trusted man in America". As many will recall, he said in the 70's, "This reporter sees no way to victory in Vietnamn!". Richard Nixon was reported to have said, "If we've lost Walter, we've lost America".
These "pimping" allegations are primarly coming from one "Boom-Boom Barbara", a former cocktail waitress, exotic dancer and sometimes prostitute. Said Boom-Boom, "Yeah, he looked like your favorite uncle sitting behind that News Desk but, believe me, he had a stable of 'fillys' back in the 70's. He could really slap, too! See this chipped tooth? Where do you think I got that? Uh-huh, dear ol' Walter, that's who!"
In trying to uncover this story, this reporter is running into a lot of resistance. Many of the women seem unwilling to talk. Said one, who requested anonymity, "You just dont understand! He's a very hard man! He's the 'Darth Vader' of the news jockey world!" Another nameless source stated, "I'm surprised it's take this long to come out! Many people have seen Walter cruising the streets collecting. Oh, I know, he was supposed to be tracking down a news story but, take it from me; he was slapping with one hand and collecting with the other!"
When asked for a comment, Andy Rooney, of 60 Minutes fame, said the following, "Have you ever wondered where they get polyester? Oh, sorry! You were asking if Walter was a pimp. Could be. I've often wondered about those feathered hats."
Obviously there is more to this story than meets the CBS "Eye". We shall see if "That's The Way It is" tomvickers@suddenlink.com
Ever Been "Googled"? Mmmmm! Feels Good! (A Little Lower, Please...)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
If you Google yourself (in private, please), will you go blind? If two or more consenting adults want to Google, it's OK by me, but, I have some questions:
1. Is it OK to Google outside your relationship?
2. Is same-sex Googling grounds for a Military discharge?
3. If you Google outside your species, are you a pervert?
4. Is it acceptable to Google inanimate objects?
5. Is it legal to Google an underage person?
6. Will you be arrested if you Google in public?
7. If you Google a family member, will your next computer be defective?
8. Does Googling on an airplane qualify you for the "Mile High" club?
9. Do the laws for Googling differ from state to state?
10. Can you Google "Live College Girls"?
11. Does Viagra enhance Googling or, must you use a dictionary?
12. Are there Google "toys"?'
13. Can you Google "Exotic Foreign Women"?
14. If you Google a stranger, must you wear latex gloves?
Like I said, I'm OK with consenting adults Googling. Google all you want but, I'm not cleaning up the mess! I was going to Google Stella, a woman I know, but, she has a headache!
Be careful if you're ever Yahoo'd. I was on antibiotics for a month! tomvickers@suddenlink.net
Handicraft Porn! (Is Martha Stewart Housebroken?)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
Have you ever been in a Michael's Craftstore? It's like a Wal Mart-sized craft emporium. Wall to wall styrofoam. They have more shapes of styrofoam than Al Qaida has AK-47s! Of course they have other stuff too. Ya' gotta' have something to glue to the styrofoam. They have styrofoam angels, stars, Easter eggs, trees, balls, little boys and girls, cubes, triangles, ovals, trapezoids, squares, circles and rhomboids. Somebody is making things outta' this stuff.They might even give it to you and expect you to display it (at least seasonally).
Styrofoam isn't all they carry. They have wood carving kits, yarn, glitter, cloth, plastic flowers, more plastic flowers and children's stickers. Oh my, the stickers! They also carry flags; American flags, un-American flags, Pirate flags and Alma Mater flags (every school in America, I think)! And man, do they have the paint! They have enough craft paint to "dip" a gazillion 747s.
They carry enough glue to hold Martha Stewart's mouth shut (she just won't go away, will she?). I swear that woman has more lives than all the cats at Auntie Em's! It'll take a stake in the heart to kill that woman! They have "heart stakes" at Michael's!
I blame Martha for starting this "craft-craze"! It's Handicraft Porn, for goodness sakes! I guess Homemaker Porn wasn't enough fo Martha!
By the way, does Martha ever go to the toilet? Never, in one of her shows, have I heard her say, "Gotta' go pee! Be right back,"....and..Fade to a Michael's commercial. tomvickers@suddenlink.net
Have you ever been in a Michael's Craftstore? It's like a Wal Mart-sized craft emporium. Wall to wall styrofoam. They have more shapes of styrofoam than Al Qaida has AK-47s! Of course they have other stuff too. Ya' gotta' have something to glue to the styrofoam. They have styrofoam angels, stars, Easter eggs, trees, balls, little boys and girls, cubes, triangles, ovals, trapezoids, squares, circles and rhomboids. Somebody is making things outta' this stuff.They might even give it to you and expect you to display it (at least seasonally).
Styrofoam isn't all they carry. They have wood carving kits, yarn, glitter, cloth, plastic flowers, more plastic flowers and children's stickers. Oh my, the stickers! They also carry flags; American flags, un-American flags, Pirate flags and Alma Mater flags (every school in America, I think)! And man, do they have the paint! They have enough craft paint to "dip" a gazillion 747s.
They carry enough glue to hold Martha Stewart's mouth shut (she just won't go away, will she?). I swear that woman has more lives than all the cats at Auntie Em's! It'll take a stake in the heart to kill that woman! They have "heart stakes" at Michael's!
I blame Martha for starting this "craft-craze"! It's Handicraft Porn, for goodness sakes! I guess Homemaker Porn wasn't enough fo Martha!
By the way, does Martha ever go to the toilet? Never, in one of her shows, have I heard her say, "Gotta' go pee! Be right back,"....and..Fade to a Michael's commercial. tomvickers@suddenlink.net
Yoda to Hospital ("Force" is Weak)
DATELINE ALPHA CENTAURI:
In a dramatic moment today, "Force" Master Yoda was rushed from the drug Rehab Center to the Millenium Falcon Memorial Hospital. One Jedi Knight who witnessed the event said, "Master Yoda was unresponsive, soiled and a very pale green."
In piecing this story together, it seems as though Yoda, in treatment for Light Saber Emission "huffing", spirited some topical alcohol swabs to his room and "sucked" them dry. The doctors in charge of his case said, "Master Yoda will be OK. He has the constituition of an R2D2 Robot. He will, however, have one heck of a headache tomorrow."
Joining Yoda at his bedside were Luke Skywalker, Princess Lei and Jar-Jar Binks. Jar-Jar was the only one to respond to reporters. He turned to the glare of the Holographic News Network (HNN) cameras and asked, "Where is the Cafeteria? Jar-Jar is hungry!".
We will keep you updated. tomvickers@suddenlink.net
In a dramatic moment today, "Force" Master Yoda was rushed from the drug Rehab Center to the Millenium Falcon Memorial Hospital. One Jedi Knight who witnessed the event said, "Master Yoda was unresponsive, soiled and a very pale green."
In piecing this story together, it seems as though Yoda, in treatment for Light Saber Emission "huffing", spirited some topical alcohol swabs to his room and "sucked" them dry. The doctors in charge of his case said, "Master Yoda will be OK. He has the constituition of an R2D2 Robot. He will, however, have one heck of a headache tomorrow."
Joining Yoda at his bedside were Luke Skywalker, Princess Lei and Jar-Jar Binks. Jar-Jar was the only one to respond to reporters. He turned to the glare of the Holographic News Network (HNN) cameras and asked, "Where is the Cafeteria? Jar-Jar is hungry!".
We will keep you updated. tomvickers@suddenlink.net
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