TV's BLOG--AIN'T LIFE GRAND
My blog is like the old Seinfeld TV Show--about "nothing at all". I will not try to inform you, sway your opinion, tell you how or how not to worship or marry your sister. Oh, by the way, do you have any pictures of you sister? Sorry, it slipped out! I want you to laugh with me, at me or near me!
Martha's Laser Cake-Mmmm! (Wow! That's hot!)
DATELINE NY:
Since her return from "Alien Abductee" status, Martha Stewart, Home-Meister and Alien Porn Star, has been cooking up a storm. Her latest creation is the tempting "Laser Cake" shown here.
Said Martha, "It's real easy. Even a Centaurian can do it! Look for the recipe in my upcoming book, 'The Joy of Alien Sex & Cooking'. I'll give you a hint; it cooks itself!"
I'm on a diet.
Tom Vickers
And They Called it Puppy Love! ("For-Play"?)
DATELINE CENTRAL PARK:
As seen in the above photo there has been a most unusual occurance in Central Park. Mr. Chuck Darwin, of the NY Museum of Natural History, said, "Just when you think you've seen everything, something comes along and hits you between the eyes! We know that the sex life of animals is complicated but, the offering of flowers by squirrels is most unexpected. It is known that some birds and mammals will make gifts of food or nesting materials, but, it's always "post-coital". It's quite interesting that squirrels, like humans, choose the sex organs of another species, flowers, to bestow as a token of affection."
Now gardeners have one more worry.
Tom Vickers
Tornado Love (A "Hard" Way to Go)
DATELINE RUSSELL, KS:
An F2 category Tornado roared through the outskirts of Russell last week. Nobody was injured although, some minor property damage occured.
Jim Cantori, The Weather Channel reporter recorded the unusual formation pictured above. Said Cantori, "Most unusual. I've covered a lot of twisters and this is a first. I'm glad nobody was injured, though, I heard the Viagra Plant incurred some minor damage".
This one is "hard" to explain.
Tom Vickers
Amish Airways Update (It's really Taking Off)
DATELINE LANCASTER, PA:
A new photo crossed the wires regarding the fledgling Amish Airways. Lottie Buttons, a local store clerk, was on break when she snapped tis photo. Said Ms. Buttons, "I was outside on my 10:00 AM Marlboro break when I heard this God-awful clip-clopping noise. I looked around and there was this, uh, uh, 'thing" going hell-bent-for-leather! I pulled out my cell phone and accidently snapped a picture. I was trying to dial 911 and hit the little camera button "thingy" by mistake. That "thing" was going the wrong way down a one-way street and missed a four-way!"
Another witness said a long line of people were boarding "something" at Klein's Stables.
This story is really "taking off".
Amish Airways (No Coffee, Tea or Me)
DATELINE LANCASTER, PA:
A rumor was whispered about that the Amish, a secretive religious sect, was opening up a new Airlines. they are going to liberialize their stance on machinery for this endeavor. The source, a defrocked Elder, says it will be called Amish Airways.
Pictured above is what is purported to be their maiden flight. it was secretly taken with a zoom lens. the flight landed in an Oat field for re-fueling.
Wonder what the food is like?
Tom Vickers
COOL CAT (LOOKIN' for a KTTY!)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
As some of you know, part of my life I've spent as a proffessional musician. The rest as an Archirect (music's more fun by a mile). I've even appeared on a number of CDs. I've recorded and played live with Dwight Yoakum (a childhood friend) and Jon Rodgers ( a former singer in "The Platters") as well as others. I've also recorded a CD of my own (the origin of my Laptop dancing blogs).
The above picture of me was taken during my teen years when I played in a "cover" band. I was "rockin" out to Steppenwolf's "Born to be Wild". Pretty cool cat, huh!
OK, OK, the picture is not of me!
The rest, however, is true. I just couldn't resist using the picture.
Tom Vickers
"Laptop" Dancing"-Ive Got the Porn (Darn! My Pornograph is Broken)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
It's time for a little "Laptop Dancing"! I'm sorting through all of the, uh, er, candid photos in my Photo Gallery. For all of you following the career of this "Super" Cyberstar, I now have 177 "revealing" photos of beautiful "Babushkas". All of them were freely sent to "The Cyberstar" (luv that 3rd person stuff). It all happened after the CD I recorded last year got hijacked to the WWW. The photos mostly come from the former Soviet Bloc. Ahhh, my little Chik'Nik Cyberdancers.
I've talked to a lawyer and he said the photos were sent to me without "strings" (or clothes) attached and, I can use them as I please. I'm considering a "Laptop Dancing" Porn Website. Sorry, mom!
I was starting to design the site when Photo Gallery "froze" (luv Windows Vista). Not to worry! I'll get it fixed.
"The Cyberstar"
P.S. The story is true (except for Porn Site).
Tool Using Rodents (I Can "Go-For" That!)
DATELINE BUTTE, MONTANA:
Scientists are all excited about the new found tool using abilities of certain rodents. The above photo was taken in Montana last week. It shows the ongoing battle between a gopher and a homeowner.
"This fight has been going on now for three months", said John Alcott. "It just keeps escalating! I get a hoe, he gets a pistol. I get a rifle, he gets a shotgun. I match his shotgun, he gets a RPG! It's out of hand!"
Scientists have said all along that gophers are "smarter"than people think, but this weapon using ability is a shock., "I guess Bill Murray had it right all along in the movie "Caddyshack", said Biologist Jeanne Dixon.
Amber Lake, ya'll!
Tom Vickers
WTO and $5.00 Coffee (Yoda, Wherefor art Thou?)
DATELINE CHARLESTON, WV:
In a surprising move today, the World Trade Organization (WTO) enlisted the services of an elite division of the "Storm Troopers". This is in anticipation of the disruption of their annual meeting. The meeting this year is being held in Appalachia, long a "hotbed" of "rebel" activity.
A spokesman for Starbuck's said, "We're closing all of our shops. This will be a fully "decaffienated" event!" Yoda, long a WTO opponent, said, "Stop us they can't! Deny the 'Force' they won't. Coffee we must have!"
In a related story, R2D2 admitted to being the father of Brittney Spears' latest child.
Tom Vickers
McJuana's (Golden Arches, Dude!)
DATELINE LA:
McDonald's Corporation announced a "spin-off" company today in California. It is to be called McJuana's and will cater to a special customer base. "It's risk, we know. The "high", uh, er, Up-side potential is enormous!", said Marketing Director, Wayne McBride.
Industry experts say that the strategy is sound. Said one such expert, "After a 'trip' to McJuana's, a stop at McDonald's for munchies is likely."
"If the California 'experiment' works we plan to lobby for legalization everywhere", said Mr. Mcbride.
We will if this project goes "Up in Smoke".
Tom Vickers
Martha Stewart To Write Abductee Book (Alien's Kinda' Sexy)
DATELINE NEW YORK:
A report out of Del-Rio Publishing House today said that Martha Stewart, Homemaker Diva and Alien Abductee, has been paid an advance on a new book. The book will chronicle her adventures while in the clutches of the Alpha Centaurians.
The book, it is said, will cover her Abductee experience from "Soup-to-Nuts". From the initial flash of light to her return in rural West Virginia. A Del-Rio editor says it will be all-inclusive. From Centaurian cuisine to Porthole Curtain treatments.
"An entire chapter will be devoted to Alien sex," said the editor. "This is not a book for the kiddies!"
More to come.
Tom Vickers
Blood of Many Nations (Mom was a Rather Sportin' Sort!)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
Have you ever wondered just who you are? I have. I've been talking to various members of my family lately to sort out what hyphens I need to use. Where did we Vickers/Lambert/Goldberg/Wallaces, etc. come from? It depends on who you ask. As far as I can tell, I'm an English-German-Jewish-Scottish-Irish-Hungarian-French-Dutch-Albanian-Russian-Italian-Spanish-American.
The blood of many nations flows through my veins. It seems as though mom was a rather sportin' sort.
Do I qualify for any Government Grants?
Tom Vickers
"The Emporium Strikes Back" (Aliens Have No Style)
DATELINE ELKVIEW, WV:
In a dramatic moment today, Martha Stewart, "Homemaker Expert and Prison Decorator" was returned to earth. She appeared in a flash of light and was gently dropped down to the Elkview, WV K-Mart. Martha, in her typical fashion, didn't have a hair out of place.
K-Mart officials said that in a trade for Martha certain things were exchanged. The Aliens are to receive discounts on all generic products carried by K-Mart and Stock tips from Martha. "It was an exhausting negotiation," said one official. "They wanted name brands but, we held out!"
Martha, in her press release, said, "That spaceship was a pigsty! it looks much better now. It just needed a Decorator's touch!"
Welcome back, Martha.
Tom Vickers
Martha Stewart Abducted By Aliens! (K-Mart Aghast)
DATELINE NEW YORK:
A report off the wires today state that Martha Stewart, Household Diva, saavy investor and convicted felon, was abducted by aliens. "It happened so fast! In broadlight, too!", said Ms. Betty Fair, a witness to the event. "Martha was coming out of her Broker's Office and was sucked up by a bright light! It was awful! I need to lie down!", she continued.
K-Mart officials said everything humanly possible will be done to get Martha back. "What do you want? Discounts or coupons, what? We can work it out! Please return Martha!", said one K-Mart official.
We will keep you updated.
Tom Vickers
What Have we Done to Sophie? (Sophie's Choice--Hot Dog?)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
What have we done to Sophie? I was watching a show on Nat' Geo' the other day and it got me thinking about the "hand-of-man". How we must change (or destroy) anything in our path. Sophie is a Bloodhound, a cousin of the noble wolf.
Did you know that a Bloodhound's sense of smell is 1,000 times greater than that of a human? How do they know? How do you measure it? What are the units? Is there an "Oderon" or something?
Anyway, Sophie was given a task. A "suspect" was given a shell casing to briefly touch. The casing was then sealed in a "CSI Miami" crime scene envelope. The suspect was given two hours to make his get-away. He drove across town for two miles and then proceeded on foot through busy streets. He then walked to a busy, windy, public beach. He walked on the busy beach through a trail of hot dog weiners. Hot dog weiners! He then sat on the beach waiting for Sophie.
The shell casing was removed from the envelope and Sophie was given a quick sniff, and as Sherlock Holmes would say, "The game is a'foot". Sophie followed the trail, street by steet, no less (Sophie's better than MapQuest)! Onward faithful Sophie! To the beach she went. Through the hot dogs went Sophie! Did Sophie stop for a hot dog snack (I would've)? No, no, no! Not our Sophie! did Sophie get her man? You bet!
Amazing! We have, through selective breeding, created a dog who ignores "fatty" meat. Lo, the poor wolf.
Where Do You Beat your Kids? (Wal Mart, Of Course)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
I swear, Wal Mart must have crosses, garlic and silver bullets to keep the Department of Social Services at bay! I've never seen the beat and I've been in three counties.
Go there on any Saturday and you'll think you've been transported back to the Spanish Inquisition. Torquemada would be proud of many of these parents. I don't tell anybody how to raise their kids but, I was not a "spanker". I spanked my daughter one time in her entire life and I still feel guilty about it. She's now grown with a family of her own. I was spanked both at home and at school and swore I'd never spank a child of my own.
When do you intervene (and God knows intervention is often needed)? In a Wal Mart in Charlotte, NC, I saw a mother take a plastic Whiffle bat off the shelf and start whacking her little boy's bottom! He looked to be about five years old. When I gave her a sharp look, she waved the bat at me. I assure you it was not a greeting. At least she stopped "whiffling" the little boy! As long as Wal Mart's in business, Serial Killing will be a growth industry.
Hey Moms and Dads--Why not just burn the little ones at the stake? The burning stakes are in the Garden Center right next to the lighter fluid.
Tom Vickers
"Laptop Dancing" (If You Call Within The Next 10 Minutes...)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
This is an update to an earlier post.
The lady pictured above is named Larisa and she lives just outside Moscow. She has a copy of my CD on her Ipod. She's my biggest fan. I'm a big fan of her, too.
She says she has enough money to visit me in June of this year. She knows enough English to talk "dirty" (how much more is needed, really?). I really wish I knew what some of those "backward-ass", Cyrillic letters mean. Is "dirty-talk" more expressive in Russian? Oh my goodness, I hope so!
What if she doesn't have enough money to get back home? What if I don't like her? Can I send her back? Can I trade her in on a Jeep Cherokee? If I call within the next 10 minutes will shipping and handling be waived?
Tom Vickers
Santa and the Jolly Green Giant (Same Zip Code?)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
I've often wondered if the Jolly Green Giant is Santa's alter ego. Think about it for minute......Ok! Minute's up!
1. You never see them at the same time or place.
2. Green is a Christmas color.
3. They both say, "Ho! Ho! Ho!" (and they're not even Rap Artists).
4. They both play with elves.
5. They're both quite large.
6. They both wear funky costumes.
7. They're both TV stars.
8. The "Giant" has "frozen" veggies. Hmmm? North Pole?
This is all circumstantial evidance, I admit. You know what they say, "Every link in the chain!" I think they're about one phone booth away from being one and the same.
If you have more "links", let me know.
Tom Vickers
"LAPTOP DANCING" (BACK IN THE USSR)
Hello Gentle Readers,
I retired from the word of Architecture about five years ago and I've kept busy playing music. I'm no stranger to this world but, that's for future posts.
I've had the great fortune of recording and playing live (guitar and vocals) with a number of famous people and, last year, I recorded my own CD. That's where this story begins.
I E-mailed a copy of my CD (along with a recent picture) to a friend. She, in turn, E-mailed it to a friend, who E-mailed it to a friend, who...Ok, Ok, I'll skip the "begats". Quicker than a dog can lick its genitalia, my CD was all over the world! From Bern to Berlin, from Paris to Patagonia, from Madrid to Moscow, from...Well, you get the picture.
Mom! I'm a "Cyberstar"! I promise I won't let it change me. I don't expect special treatment! I won't go around "trashing" Cyber Cafes' in typical Rock Star fashion! I may upgrade to Townhouse Crackers but, I'm the same ol' Tom.
Ever since my CD became a world traveler, I've been getting E-mails galore. Mostly women (YES!) and many of them contain pictures, love notes, marriage proposals, offers to have my children and requests for my mailing address (I'm not that stupid).
Many of these photos are uh, uh, well, they're nudes. Mostly from the former Soviet Bloc, oddly enough. I've got enough pictures of naked women to start up a "Porn Site"! I'll call it LAPTOP DANCING!
This is a true story. Tom Vickers
Paris Hilton? (Ah, Now It's Clear)
DATELINE LA:
In a startling confession today Paris Hilton revealed the source of all her adult (?) problems. Said Ms. Hilton, "I should've had anything I wanted. I wanted a pony! We could afford it! I'll show 'em! I'm getting a "Lap Pony!"
It is being rumored that stables are in the "Blueprint" stage for their addition at most Hiltons.
Tom Vickers
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