TV's BLOG--AIN'T LIFE GRAND
My blog is like the old Seinfeld TV Show--about "nothing at all". I will not try to inform you, sway your opinion, tell you how or how not to worship or marry your sister. Oh, by the way, do you have any pictures of you sister? Sorry, it slipped out! I want you to laugh with me, at me or near me!
The Dog Ate my Post
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
I had a really good blog to post but, the dog ate it. He also ate my shoes and peed on my leg! i never thought that my blog would "go to the dogs". It just goes to show you that it's a "ruff" world. Maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree! From now on I'm keeping my blog on a short leash.
Tom Vickers
American Patriot Act (A Job Program?)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
I know the pain of 9/11 will never leave Americans. I also watched in horror the events of that fateful day and, prayed for the families involved. But, you have to admit that, in addition to the reconstruction jobs, the "American Patriot Act" has been a boon for job creation. Somebody has to check the shoes of little ol' ladies at airports!
Am I the only one who hates this "Act"? My mom (hi mom) is 84 years old with an artificial knee and, had to remove her shoes at the airport. Now, I admit that mom was a terror in her younger days but, it now takes her 45 minutes to put on her shoes. Hmmmm...Maybe it's not such a bad idea after all. I still have prints on my butt from her shoes and I'm 54.
I'm kinda' proud that somebody in my family is considered a security risk. Somebody has to monitor what we're checkng out of the library. Oh, no! I just checked out Jack Kerouak's "On The Road"! Wonder who's in that black Surburban parked across the street?
Tom Vickers
Cap'n Crunch and Baby Boomers
HELLO GENTLE READERS:
The unthinkable! Cap'n Crunch is almost as old as I am. He, like me, has switched to whole grain. Come on now! Cap'n Crunch? Whole grain? That's kinda' like adding vitamins to Marlboros, isn't it? It's unholy.
In my youth, I fervently worshipped at the altar of high sugar, monosodium glutinate and yellow dye number 4. Cap'n Crunch isn't supposed to have any nutritional redeeming value. It's designed to be milk covered "candy-in-a-bowl". Whole grain, indeed! Are we not desecrating a sixties icon? Whole grain Pop Tarts and Corn Pops (used to be called "Sugar Pops"). What's next?
If this trend continues who will support Merk, Upjohn, Pfizer and the other drug companies. What's to become of the Cholesterol drugs? Are they to go the way of the Dodo?
As least they still have preservatives. Most of them have a shelf-life longer than Chernobyl's half-life.
Well, gotta' go. Time for my Lipitor.
Tom Vickers
Uses For Duct Tape (A Sticky Situation)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
I swear to the following. I've either witnessed or trust the sources for the following examples of duct tape use:
1. Repair a car's convertable top.
2. Close small cuts.
3. Tape a gator's mouth shut.
4. Fix a Bra.
5. Save a suicide victim by taping slashed wrists (sad, but true).
6. Hold a refrigerator door closed.
7. Tape a casserole dish closed until the picnic started.
8. Lock a door (some sexual privacy was needed).
9. Repair a broken window.
10. Used as a tie tack.
11. Tape a wandering dog to his doghouse (wasn't me).
12. Seal a leaky roof (still working).
13. Tape a man's hat to his head on a windy day.
14. Fix a frying pan (Fire Dept. had to be called in on this one).
15. Secure a baby's diaper.
If you know of any more, please let me know.
Tom Vickers
Gangsta' Records Signs Martha Stewart
DATELINE LA: It was announced today that Martha Stewart has signed a recording contract with Gangsta Records. The details are still sketchy at this time but, a "Hip-Hop" CD will be forthcoming.
"Martha has 'made her bones', no doubt about it", said a Gangsta spokesperson. "The CD will be called How to Beat the 'Rap' and is long overdo", he continued. "We think that a Recipe Rap CD could start a trend".
Said Martha, "Many of my cellmates will appear on the CD. I'm grateful that they turned me on to this idea. My prison name was 'M-Diddy' and I'm going to make the most of it!"
Can't wait to hear it.
Tom Vickers
Don't You Just Hate Needy People? (Please, Please Read My Blog!)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
Don't you just hate needy people? I'm glad I'm not one of them.
My needs are very simple. I only need a few things to make my life complete: a Grammy, good reviews on my CD, Reese Weatherspoon's phone number, a French maid, a few more inches below the belt, a Supermodel, a new Lexus, a nasty Divorce Lawyer, another Supermodel (can't ever have too many of those), Botox injecions, to stop being abducted by aliens, a bevy of groupies, The JoeD's insights, Yogamommy's skill with language, Mikelclassen's sense of humor, a winning lottery number, and for YOU TO READ MY BLOG.
My needs are simple. Don't you just hate needy people? I'm glad I'm not one of them!
Tom Vickers
Home Surgical Kits (Coming to an HMO Near You Soon)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
I've had some health issues over the past four years (wanna' see my scars?). I've had cancer, a heart attack, a small stroke and have Congestive Heart Failure. Negotiating through the maze of my Medicare HMO's rules and regulations is worse the the Chemotherapy was! At least the "Chemo" had a finite number of sessions.
I think there are three people in the world that understand what is or is not covered and, they're sworn to secrecy under the "Patriot Act". All the other employees must be recruited from McD's.
Even my doctors and pharmacy stay confused. With my recent stroke I had to learn to self-inject blood thinners (in the belly, no less...brrrrr!). My Pacemaker (the cost of a well appointed Corvette) was approved immediately. My injectables were barely covered. I think "approval" is based upon whether or not the "approver" is experiencing PMS or Male Menopause on any given day!
What's next? Home Surgical Kits?
Tom Vickers
Teeter Hangups ($14.95 and Belly Button Exposure)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
Have you ever seen those Teeter Hangup devices advertised on TV? You know, those Medieval looking devices. It's sort of a "do-it-yourself" Tilt Table. Scary! You hang yourself upside down. All sorts of health benefits presumably accrue: stretches your spine, relaxes your muscles and cures male pattern baldness. Ok, Ok, I made up the baldness bit. I'm not the least bit sold on these things.
I'm 54 and have about 17 brain cells as it is (typical Baby Boomer). I think if I hung upside down all of my Coumadin-thinned blood would rush to my head and blow a gasker!
What if you get stuck? What then? Kinda' hard to get your money back guarantee when your head is scraping the carpet. Now, I've been upside down a time or two but, it's never been a panned event.
Are you getting one? If you do and get stuck, give me a call. I'll be right over, camera in hand.
Tom Vickers
Oh Joy! My Neighbor got a Rooster! (Go Tell Aunt Rhoddie!)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
I just moved back to rural WV from Charlotte, NC. Actually, you drive to "rural, hang a left, turn right at the big oak tree and there you are (directions courtesy of MapQuest).
We had a really big storm with high winds the other day and I'm not sure if my neighbor bought a rooster or, if it arrived on the wind (I'll get you my pretty and your little dog too).
Now, I'm retired and get up in the morning when I please. At least I used to. Now, I awaken to the strains of a robust "COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOO"! Good Lord! This rooster has a set of lungs to rival Dolly Parton! He'd give a jackhammer a run for the money. This is one stud bird! Must be the size of an Emu!
In my family, a Sunday chicken dinner is a tradition. If I can lay my hands on a "Scud" missle, I'm going after this mutant!
Ya'll come on over Sunday.
Oh, joy! My neighbor got a rooster.
Tom Vickers
72 Virgins And All Eternity (Then What?)
HELLLO GENTLE READERS,
I'm Curious. When you die participating in Jihad you're supposed to go immediately to Paradise where 72 virgins await your arrival. Sounds pretty good on the surface, but, there's a catch. Nowhere does it say that they will be available to you after uh, er,well, you know, after they've been enjoyed. How do you plan ahead? My college minor was math and I can't figure out how to divide eternity by 72!
I'm not so sure about this plan!
Tom Vickers
Were Have All the Bullets Gone?...Long Time Passing.. (Key of "G")
HELLO GENTLE READERS (You are gentle, aren't you?),
Have you ever wondered where those bullets, shot in the air, go in the at those Anti-American demonstrations? You know the ones; everybody uulating, burning flags, shooting AK-47s in the air and picnicing. When the energy applied to the bullets is spent, those things are coming back down. Fast! Thirty-two feet per second squared to be exact. That's movin' on, man!
Where do they land? Are people or pets killed or injured? Does CNN have stats? Iran, Iraq, Pakistan, Afghanastan, Lebanon, Syria, India on Valentine's Day or any other country W's "cowboy-ed" are pretty active in this activity. Man! That's a lot of lead! There isn't that much lead in toys imported from China! Well, maybe not.
Most of those guys wear turbans, too. Now, don't get me wrong. I like turbans. I prefer cowboy hats, but the checkered turbans are quite stylish. Can't be much protection, though.
Where do all the bullets go? Does Bob Dylan know?
Tom Vickers
Luger and a Sawmill (A Self-Inflicted Drive-by!)
HELLO GENTLE READERS:
Ever been shot at? I have!
I grew up in the "hollow" of Cabin Creek, WV in a small town named Decota. We couldn't afford a name of our own so we stole one from a state and, of course, spelled it wrong. For the most part, it was a great place for an adventurous little boy to grow up in.
As kids, we would walk our bicycles up a long, steep hill ("The Cut"), turn around and coast back down for about 15 minutes. We attained speeds that would cause a NASCAR driver to change "undies". We were very daring. The first one to hit the brakes was a "wuss". I've had more stitches than a Betsy Ross Convention.
In one point in this journey, off to the right, was the Carbon Fuel Coal Company sawmill (my dad was their geologist). It was run by "Luger". He was a WWII vet (an Army Ranger, no less) who "stormed the beach" at Normandy. A true American hero! He was also about as sane as Charles Manson. His moniker, Luger, came from a captured Nazi pistol he brought back from Europe. He lived in a "Tarpaper" shack with a metal roof beside the sawmill.
We kids would wait 'til the edge of dark, walk up to "The Cut", gather our courage and chuck rocks at Luger's roof. Out would come Luger with invectives spewing and gun "ablazing"! We scattered like leaves before the wind!
I learned three things from ol' Luger: how to throw rocks, how to "cuss" and how to run like the wind. I can still throw rocks and cuss like a sailor but, running seems just beyond my grasp. Of course, whizz a few bullets over my head and who knows.
Tom Vickers
My Cellphone Died (In Lieu of Flowers...)
HELLO GENTLE READERS:
My cellphone died and I had to get a new one. I went to the All-Tel booth at K Mart and sorta' picked out a new one. I bet it's real pretty. I haven't rented any time on an Electron Microscope yet, but I'm sure it's pretty. It's a Samsung model #1438761RTP. I think the "RTP" at the end of the number stands for "Really Tiny Phone".
If the phone is so small, then why is the Owner's Manual the size of a suitcase? There's even a section at the front which is titled "How to Read this Manual". Jeeze? It's in every known language: Egyptian Hyraplyphics, Mesopotamian Cuneiform, Ancient Aramaic, Sanscrit and Incan Pictogragh to name a few.
I just want to make and receive calls with the sucker. Apparantly this is no longer an option. It's a still camera, video camera, Ipod, calculator, web browser, circus clown, juggler, sex toy, electrician, buggy whip and A PHONE!
I WANT MY OLD PHONE BACK!!!
My cellphone died. the services are Friday at 2:00 pm. In lieu of flowers, please send contributions to the "Society for the Technologically Retarded".
Tom Vickers
SLEEPYTIME TEA (YAWN...Excuse Me!)
DATELINE BROOKLINE, MA:
A spokesman for the popular SleepyTime Tea brand said today that a new advertising campaign is underway. "People just aren't getting enough sleep these days. Everybody's lives are so hectic. We want to do our part to help a 'cranky' America recover the lost art of sleeping!", said Mr. Michael Sheet. "We just ask that they 'drink' responsably. Please get a designated driver", he continued.
Starbuck's could not be reached for comment.
Mmmm. Not bad! Suits me to a "Tea". Nighty-night. Zzzzzzzz!
Tom Vickers
Scars and Arrows-An Overature (Will "William Tell"?)
HELLO GENTLE READERS:
Ever been shot by an arrow? I have!
I have a pedigree in Archery. In the mid-sixties, my dad was the "Ben Pierson Archery Champion" in the Mid-Atlantic region. I once saw him light a kitchen match with an arrow at 25 paces. He was good!
You'd think I'd be pretty good too. Not so! I couldn't hit an 18-wheeler if I were standing in it's shadow! This proclivity must skip a generation.
To correct this defect, my dad started a Saturday morning Archery school at the Community Center multi-purpose building. At 10:00 am every Saturday, about fifteen rowdy 10-year olds would gather, set up bales of staw, notch their arrows, whoop and let fly! There were more arrows in the air than in the battle scene of 300 Spartans!
One Saturday I was trying, with my usual lack of success, to hit the target. "Move closer," said dad. I tried again. "Closer"! Again no luck. "Move up, son", he said. By now I was so close I could see the manufacturer's logo on the baling wire! I screwed up my concentration, notched an arrow, sighted down, said a prayer and shot! Owww! The next thing I know there's an arrow sticking out of the crook of my elbow. It wasn't there at breakfast! Good Lord! I've shot myself! A self-inflicted arrow wound. The arrow had bounced off of the stage apron right back at me.
The pain I could take, but the humilation was something else. In front of my friends! It really turned out OK, though. All the 10-year olds thought an arrow wound was pretty cool.
Dad had to close the school. All the 10-year olds wanted "arrow scars".
Tom Vickers
Memorial Signs (Where's Mine?)
HELLO GENTLE READERS:
Have you ever been driving along, all road-zoned, briefly break out of your trance, and seen a sign such as "Zilford C. Scuzzy Memorial Bridge"?
I wonder who gets to choose those "Memorialized"? Who are these people? How do you get chosen? Is there a test, a lottery or a "paper-rock-scissors" contest? Is there an application or vetting process? Are campaign contributions or bribes required? Are the names drawn from a hat at the strike of 12:00? Do elves choose them after they've cobbled our shoes at night? Does anybody know? It's a mystery on par with the shelf-life of a Pop tart!
Some choices can be easily understood. Presidents, War Heros, Governors or even Elvis, but, who are the rest of these guys?
I want one! Not an Interstate sign, though. Nobody reads those. I want a great big ol' bridge sign. Everybody reads those. If not a bridge, then a curvy, secondary road sign. If you don't read one of those, you car will wear it. Well, as long as it's noticed.
Now you may think my desire for a "Memorial Sign" is a little morbid. Not so fast, gentle readers! About 20 miles from where I live is the "ROBERT C. BYRD MEMORIAL HIGHWAY" sign. Bob Byrd, an old family friend, is the sitting, Senior Senator from the great state of West Virginia. We may let the dead vote in WV, but, we usualy discourage them from running for office. We leave that for Missouri.
As far as I know he's still dazzling them in the Senate Chamber with Ancient Roman History analagies. Bob's about 2,500 years old; these may be childhood memories. Have you seen him on CSPAN lately? All propped by his staff. Hmmmm. ROBERT . BYRD MEMORIAL HIGHWAY? Cancel my sign order!
Tom Vickers
Stella Get Your Gun! (Timex and Swatch Strike Out)
HELLO GENTLE READERS:
Remember my friend Stella? You know, the one with the "watch dogs" named Timex and Swatch? Bless her heart; she's so challenged that she thinks a sanitary belt is a slug of moonshine from a clean glass!
Well, Stella's hopping mad! Somebody broke into her trailer and stole her "Cass Scenic Railroad" spoon collection. Awww! I guess Timex and Swatch didn't have the "time" to ward off intruders! Now Stella wants a gun. The whole Trailer Park is upset! I told her she needs a gun like "W" needs a dictionary. Both would be dangerous!
She insisted that I take her to Wal Mart to look at guns. So, off we went. She picked out the closest thing to an Assualt Rifle in stock. The man said, "You need to fill out these papers, Miss". Well, that took care of that. She did find some nice Tube Tops on sale, so, the trip wasn't a total waste!
New from Mattel...("Crack Whore" Barbie)
HELLO GENTLE READERS:
I was in a Wal Mart the other day (yes, in Pinch, WV we get all gussied-up for Wal Mart visits) looking for a Spiderman "thingy" for my Grandson. I passed by the Barbie aisle and was amazed. Wow! How many different kinds of Barbie models are there?
I've got a few ideas:
1. "Democratic Canidate" Barbie (pantsuits included).
2. "Goth" Barbie (dressed in black; tatoos not included).
3. "Call Girl" Barbie (Little Black Book included).
4. "Victoria's Secret" Barbie (I won't tell).
5. "Amish" Barbie (Buttons not included).
6. "Al Qaida" Barbie (AK-47 and Burka included).
7. "Fast Food" Barbie (Comes with fries and medium Coke).
8. "Courtney Love" Barbie (Paraphernalia not included).
9. "Detox" Barbie (Co-pay required).
10. "Married for Money" Barbie (Jewelery not included).
11. "Survivor" Barbie (Island sold separately).
12. "Paris Hilton" Barbie (Brains not included).
13. "Brittney Spears" Barbie (Trailer Park included).
14. "Martha Stewart" Barbie (Ball & Chain included , Cake Mix sold separate).
15. "Gay" Barbie (Ken not included).
16. "Lawyer" Barbie (Retainer not included).
I'm open to any more "Barbies" you might suggest.
Tom Vickers
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