TV's BLOG--AIN'T LIFE GRAND
My blog is like the old Seinfeld TV Show--about "nothing at all". I will not try to inform you, sway your opinion, tell you how or how not to worship or marry your sister. Oh, by the way, do you have any pictures of you sister? Sorry, it slipped out! I want you to laugh with me, at me or near me!
OLEO LORDY ME!
HELLO GENTLE READERS:
I take a daily Lipitor tablet the size of Marlin Brando at his death but, still have to watch my diet. I have a cholesterol "issue" so, I try to be careful of my eating habits. This isn't easy for me. I'm a Baby Boomer (you know, no childhood memories--only flashbacks) and was raised on real butter.
My parents had to make do with Oleo (the brand name of that era's fake butter) during WWII. Dad said he'd rather eat axle grease so, we always had real butter on the table. I love real butter. So sweet and creamy in your mouth. So tasty on a piece of toast, a bagel or an English Muffin (they talk funny, don't they?).
After seeing the price of Lipitor, I really tried to engage in a "cholesterol regimen". Among other things, I switched over to an Oleo-style butter. Just when I was making peace with my new food lubricant, the "Trans-Fatty-Acid-Gestapo" showed up in riot gear! Oleo type butters may be more of a health hazard than real butter. Damn! I told myself, "Tom, this is America. Somebody will invent something (and the Japanese will make it fit in your watch pocket) to take the place of "fake" butter." Somebody did! Have you ever tastd Promise? Yuck!! Fake "fake" butter! It's awful! I think the ingredients are Acid Rainwater and Yellow Dye #4. Bread soaks up this stuff like a sponge in a hurricane. If you don't eat your toast in 31 nano-seconds, go ahead and pour it down the sink.
Oleo Lordy me!
Tom Vickers
ALIENS LOVE PEANUT BUTTER... AND BOTOX!
DATELINE-BLUE CREEK, WV:
Yes it's true. I'm an Alien Abductee! This is not an easy confession to make but, make it I must. My family thinks this explains a lot. Well, that and being dropped on my head as a baby.
The first time was quite scary! It was a few months ago...In the middle of the night, I was paraylized and levitated to the "Mother Ship". It was so cool! There was also a family-sized jar of Jiff Peanut Butter being levitated along with me. Odd! These are not normal life events. Wow! That ship was astounding! It made the Space shuttle look like a Conestoga Wagon.
Guess what?...Give up yet?...Ok. Peanut butter sticks to the roof of Alien's mouths too! It's true! In spite of this, they love the stuff (they "spoon" it straight out of the jar). It's hard to be too scared of an entity that has peanut butter stuck to the corner of his mouth. It really shows up on their grey skin. Anyway, we had a real good time flying around, seeing the sights and teasing the F-16 Interceptors. We mostly flew over the friendly skies of Texas. Oh, those Aliens! They just love to "Mess with Texas"!
One of my latest travels with these Cirians (no, not those of the Al Qaida Fan Club) was quite interesting. We had a Botox Party! It was complete with finger foods (Jiff Peanut Butter on Townhouse Crackers) and dance music. One of the Cirianettes could really dance! She made those on "Dancing With TheStars" look like ducks chasing June Bugs. It was a great party!
I'll keep you updated on my adventures with the Abductors.
P.S. I'm little tired of peanut butter but, I do look ten years younger.
Tom Vickers
Young Got a Bug....Where's Mine?
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
I learned, through Mikel Classen's blog, that Neil Young recently had a spider named after him. It got me thinking, what else in life have I missed out on? I want one too! If not an Arachnid, then at least an insect, orchid or any new species. I'd love to put in a reservation for "Bigfoot' but, even a common weed would suffice.
When science bestows the honor of choosing your name is there a ceremony? A press conference? A Movie of the Week, perhaps? I think that this honor could be a real cash cow if handled properly. Yes, I can see a nifty profit. Raid, Orkin and Round-Up would stand in line for your endorsement. The upside of having Bigfoot (even in absentia) in your stable, so to speak, can't be calculated!
I've had a very rich and full life. I've recorded Cd's, graduated from collge and designed a building or two. I've played a "crowd-figure" in the movie "Talledega Nights". I've experienced the joys of parenthood and marriage. Yet, as full as my life has been, it always seemed as though something was missing. I've always thought that my never finding that ONE TRUE LOVE was the missing piece of the puzzle. Perhaps I've been wrong all along. Yes, the more I think about it the more I'm convinced that the absence of a "Tom-Named" species is the source of this mild distress. Wonder why I've been denied this honor? I do have a star named aftr me but, stars are notoriously unreliable. The damn things blow up after a few billion years. Bye-bye namesake!
Is one little ol' species too much to ask for? This is starting to "bug" me. I'm scouring the woods tomorrow!
Tom Vickers
Cross-Dressing Canines....Raise the "Roof"!
DATELINE--SAN FRANCISCO, CA:
Regis likes to cross-dress. No, not Regis Philbun (as far as we know). Regis is a mixed-breed, otherwise non-descript, pooch. He likes to wear his sister's (Mimi) G-String underwear. "We bought him some very masculine underwear at PetSmart but, he prefers Mimi's wardrobe," said his owner. "Regis is a very bright, Steven Hawkins-type dog. He's very smart. He can raid Mimi's closet, pick out something nice and somehow get himself dressed. He's actually smarter than my boss," he continued.
Regis has been "fixed" and one must wonder if some extra "snipping" took place. Perhaps there was an audible "OOOPS" during the procedure. Did Mimi lose a brother and gain a sister?
James Reid, a Pet Psychologist of note, said that Regis' behavior is quite unusual. "Dogs usually resist being dressed {wonder why?} in the first place. To have one seek out clothing, let alone make alternate gender choices, is unheard of," he noted.
Maybe Regis just likes to "feel pretty". Maybe we can all go in together and send him a Gift Certificate from Victoria's Secret.
DATELINE--SAN FRANCISCO, CA: ..... Of course!!!
Tom Vickers
Leave It To Beaver...Damn!
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
The following story is not first-hand. It's not even second-hand or eleventh-hand but, it is purported to be true. For the purpose of this posting. we'll call our hero "Slim" Wilson.
Slim had done OK in life and invested in some rural property. He built a small dwelling for himself and turned the rest of the property over to the tender mercies of nature. This had been Slim's plan all along. His property soon became a magnet for all types of wildlife, including a breeding pair of beavers. Beavers, being beavers, do what beavers are supposed to do. They built a dam. Slim was delighted-for awhile. At least until the "Summons to Appear" was served.
It seems that the Department of Natural Resources had a "Cease and Desist" order for Slim. He must, forthwith, restore "his" Wetland property back to it's natural state. DNR further said that if he wants to build a dam, he must have an Environmental Impact study done to determine feasability of said dam.
God forbid we let beavers onto Wetlands. Damn!
Tom Vickers
Florida Fires?... (The Price of Gas)
DATELINE ORLANDO FLORIDA:
With over 100 wildfires raging through their state, some Florida residents are taking matters into their own hands. One lifelong resident, 94-year old Leon "Jug-Handle" Welch, said, "All Mexican Restaurants are temporarily closed, broccoli is banned and all manner of beans and legumes are secured in the National Guard Armory. We can't take any more chances!"
Another enterprising citizen took took his message directly to the people (pictured above).
Our hats off to Florida for not adding "gas" to the fire.
Tom Vickers
KENTUCKY FRIED RABBIT
DATELINE CORBIN, KY:
Kentucky Fried Chicken is putting their vaunted eleven herbs and spices on the line. They are, in a few strategic markets, introducing a new menu item: Kentucky Fried Rabbit. It will be served with their trademark Mashed Potatos & Gravy and Cole Slaw. A KFC official said, "Extra Crispy will be added later if this 'rodent' experiment pans out".
KFR is the brainchild of a KFC Restaurant manager who was having trouble with rabbits eating his garden (no mention of them drinking his 7-UP). He snared a couple of them and wondered how the secret KFC process would work on rabbit meat. "My kids love it," he stated. "Of course, my kids also eat paste," he continued.
On the condition of anonymity, another KFC official offered the followng marketing plan: "We hope to do for rabbit fur what McDonald's has done for leather. We will make it cheap and available for a variety of uses. Leather seats for your car and a fur coat for your closet. All due to the drive-thru window!"
Could be an interesting Easter next year.
Tom Vickers
Weird Al, TWC and the Ether...
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
As I've mentioned before, I also Blog (a verb?) at another venue (http://thomasvickers.wordpress.com.) and have had some very unexpected viewers there. By the way, Blogs4me is a much friendler outlet! Nicer folks.
Anyway, I spent a few years of my life playing guitar for a major Country Music star. I met most of the movie stars, musicians, writers, sports figures and even some of so-called "Royal" blood. For the most part these celebrities are pretty much like you or I. Well, Marilyn Manson and Donald Trump may be a little different. I quit being awed by them when I saw a famous musician eating a peanut butter sandwich. It stuck to the roof of her mouth too!
That was a lifetime ago. My life has been far less glamorous the last 20 years. Enter the Weblog! I've done a "spoof" series on The Weather Channel (a Girls Gone Wild theme) and a few Blogs on the self-isolated Amish. This has generated some very interesting viewers, comments and E-mails. I've received several E-mails (I used to include my E-mail address in my blog--no more of that!) from the very good-humored personalities at TWC. Perhaps the biggest surprise has been a visit from Weird Al. He responded to the Amish Blogs with delight. Wow! Weird Al!
When we Bloggers commit our posts to the ether of the WWW we never know who will be on he other end. Is this a cool medium or what?
Tom Vickers
The Moral of the Story...
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
Leo Tolstoy once told a story. Of course, with ol' Leo a moral is involved. The basic story is as follows:
I was walking home one day and a strange sight greeted me. I saw a man making the wildest gestures. His arms were flailing about and his head was bobbing up and down. I thought he must be a lunatic and I approached with caution. The closer I got, the wilder his gestures seemed. As I eased in closer, I burst into laughter. The man was sharpening his knife.
The moral of the story---Even lunatics like sharp tools!
Tom Vickers
Sex Organs...For Gifts?
HELLO GENTLE READERS:
The romantic Rose, the pretty Poppy, the dazzling Daisy, yes, even the humble Baby's Breath are all part of the maturation process of men and women. Men have to learn when to bestow them and women how to receive them to maximum effect.
What if we chose a species other than flowers to display the depth of our affection? How about a Porcupine penis or a Wombat womb? Or, maybe Tiger testes or Baboon breasts? I admit that the display of these items will provide a challenge. I have faith, however, that Bed & Bath or Michael's Craftstore will solve this problem with taste and in all decorator colors.
Flowers are the sex organs of another species! Their purpose is propogation! Not only do we embarass flowers with this display, we make them celibate!
Lo, the poor flower.
Tom Vickers
You Can Put Barack In A Skirt But, You Can't Make Hillary Black...
HELLO GENTLE READERS:
Wouldn't you just hate to be Bill Clinton right now? "Sure honey, we'll get you the Oval Office! That is, of course, unless some popular black guy decides to run. What are the chances of that?" Now, don't get me wrong, it's been too long. It's time for a woman, African-American, Latino, Jew or any other minority to hold the office. I'm a middle-aged white guy and I'm a little ashamed. Older white guys have not fared well with this office lately. It's way past time!
I've watched this Primary season with great interest. The dynamics between Obama and Clinton are facinating! But, poor Hillary. What are you to do, Hillary? Obama is smart, charismatic, articulate, handsome, dynamic and Hillary's biggest nightmare. What are you to do, Hillary? You could catch Obama in bed with a sheep and, what could you say, Hillary? If you decide to get nasty, you'll lose a very important voting block. One that you must get your share of their votes! What are you to do? Yeah, you can put Obama in a skirt but, you can't make Hillary black!
Tom Vickers
I "Channel" John Denver (Also, Dorothy and Job)
HELLO GENTLE READERS:
Since I'll be entering this realm before long, I thought I'd dust off the ol' Crystal and do a little "channeling". Let's go on a Magical Mystery Tour, shall we?
EENY-MEENY-CHILI-BEANY, the spirits are about to speak: Anybody there? Hello?..."How long shall ye vex my soul and break me with words?"... Job? Is that you? What have I said that offended you?..."These ten times have ye reproached me!"...Job, this is Tom. I've never reproached you...."Oh, my bad."..."Far out, dude!"...John Denver! Welcome! How are you?..."Rocky Mountain high, man!"...So, what have you been up to, John?..."Just sittin' by the fire, to watch the evening tire, while all my friends and my old lady sit and pass the pipe around." John, you can't say that. This is a drug-tested blog!..."Right on, man!"..."Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore!"...Dorothy! Where are you?..."Not sure. There's a Yellow Brick Road and a poppy field. I think it's Afghanastan!"...No, Dorothy, you're in Oz...."These poppies taste horrible but, I don't seem to mind!"...Don't smoke the poppies, Dorothy! Dorothy?..."Zzzzzzz."..."Just where is this Yellow Brick Road?"...Don't even go there, John!..."I have heard many things: miserable comfort are ye all."...Job, that's not very nice!...
"Ello, mate."...John Lennon? Where are you?..."I'm in the poppy field with Dorothy and Toto. Keith Richards is here too!"...Keith? He's not dead!..."Sure 'e is mate. We just 'aven't told him yet."
I give up! Stoned spirits!
Tom Vickers
The Din and the Blog (Once Upon a Time....)
HELLO GENTLE READERS:
A Blogger that I often read wrote the other day that Bloggers just add to the general din in a world saturated with noise. He may be right. This ol' world was been spinning for over 5 billion yeas without the Weblog. Of course, it also spun without Pop Tarts, Hershey's Kisses and antibiotics.
I guess we do add to the "communication racket" but, I love blogging. I love writing and reading what others have written.There are some very, very clever people using this medium. I suspect that we are riding a wave that will keep on swelling. Anytime you click on a posting you may be reading the new era Hemmingway!
Wow! We even keep score with our "hits". I sure do, anyway. I'm not going to write a "fallen tree in the woods"! I blog at two different sites and since February of this year, I've had over 70,000 "hits". A local publisher has told me that at 100,000 he will publish a book based on the posts. A book? You know. Those things with covers and pages and the like!
TV, Herpatologists and Wildlife Porn
HELLO GENTLE READERS:
Is it just me or, does every Herpatologist on the planet have a TV show? It seems as though every other channel has somebody capturing a croc, snagging a snake or leaping on a lizard. Where do they find these people? Did they miss out on 2 million years worth of Evolution? These are not pets to cuddle by the campfire--they're creatures to be avoided!
Have you seen Dr. Brady Barr? He's on National Geographic Channel about 23 times a day. He's the Martha Stewart of the reptile world. Good Lord, he has "guest" wranglers! He's from Indiana for God's sake. Normally a very sensable State. Who raises these people? Does this "reptile" proclivity run in families? Indiana? Good Lord!
Man! I saw Barr get bit by an 80 foot long Boa. Ok, it was only 27 feet long-still a big-ass snake! Boas? Please! I went to college. I have a degree. These are animals they taught us to avoid, not pursue! Reptile wrangling?
You know, they sell a lot of commercials too. They know we can't stop watching shows like this. It's like combining Wheel of Fortune with Wild Kingdom. Wildlife Porn!
A Corvette? With These Gas Prices?
HELLO GENTLE READERS:
I've taken a couple of days off from writing. I, like Paul Newman in "Cool Hand Luke", needed to GET MY MIND RIGHT! Did I? Who knows. I spent a few hours with my Divorce Lawyer (at $355/hour) yesterday and kept thinking, "I don't need this mess right now". Hell, it would've been cheaper to marry the lawyer! I've got 6 to 12 months to live and I'm spending time with a (foxy, to be sure) Divorce Attorney! Piss-poor planning (the divorce was planned, dying just wasn't on my schedule yet)! I'm trying to save a sizable estate for my daughter so, I'll soldier on.
I guess securing my daughter's future is my last hurrah. In retrospect, I've done about everything I wanted to do. I've written a couple of songs that "charted". I've played on 7 or 8 CD's, one of which won a Grammy. I've made (and spent) an amount of money equal to Peru's National Debt. I've travelled. I've even dined with Royalty (they have really good manners). I've met entertainers, actors, musicians, sports figures and political types; keep your wallet in your front pocket around any of these! I've never found that one all-encompassinglove but, I've had lots of little ones. Not a bad life at all.
I've never owned a Corvette. Hmmmm?
The Great Celestial Gamble? (Spin the Wheel)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
I've heard my entire existance, "Life's not fair"! How do we know? What do you measure? Is there a unit? Maybe an "unfaititain't". You collect a certain number of them and can then attest to life's unfairness.
I'm poised at the exit portal of life's two great eternities-birth and death! On balance, life has been plenty fair with me. I have had and do have some great friends, I've known "My Ladies" pleasures, played a song or two, have had adequate income and am on reasonable terms with most of my family. If, in any given moment, I ask myself, "What do you need at this very moment?" The answer is usually, "Nothing, I need nothing at this moment. I have all I need!"
I'm sure any person above the age of five could tell me why I'm wrong. Why life really is unfair. It all depends on what you choose to measure in you life. Choose well!
Tom Vickers
Only the Rocks Live Forever
HELLO GENTLE READERS:
The Arapho have a saying, "Only the rocks live forever". I guess that'a as good a statement about our earthly mortality as one can come up with. I don't mean to be morbid but, we are born "terminal".
I was informd by my doctor the other day that I probably would not live out the year! I have both heart and kidney failure (thank you so much, Vioxx). How do I feel about it? Angry, scared, sad and somewhat curious. You see, I "died" once before. I flat-lined when I had a heart attack. It was so cool! I felt warm, loved and without a care! I was "pissed" when they shocked me back to life.
So, what's next? I'll just keep on keeping on!
Tom Vickers
It's Only Money....
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
Now I'm not the most thrifty person in the world. I've made good money and spent a lot of it (divorces aren't cheap, you know)! But, I'm a miser when compared to the Government.
What is a billion?
1. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
2. A billion minutes ago Jesus walked the earth.
3. A billion hours ago we lived in caves.
4. A billion days ago people didn't exist.
Our Government creates debt at a rate of a billion dollars every eight hours or so! Wow" Louisana Senator, Mary Landrieu, is asking Congress for 250 billion dollars to rebuild New Orleans. A worthy cause to be sure but, 250 billion? That's over $500,000.00 for every man, woman and child living there! That's a lotta' crawfish and gumbo, folks!
Well, that's all the time I have for now. I'm busy packing for Louisana.
Tom Vickers
Fully Caffeinated? (Alas, Poor Starbuck's...I Knew Thee Well)
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
I try to take good care of my health. I had a heart attack about 4 years ago and it awakened me to the limits of my body.
To initiate the needed lifestyle changes, my Cardiologist gave me a 967 page brochure (along with a $723.00 monthly pharmacy bill) outlining the do's and don'ts for a heart patient. Most of the info wasn't surprising: don't smoke, don't drink to excess, learn to relax (ooom-ooom, I'm taking a meditation break-be right back). Wow! I feel better already. Where was I? Oh, yeah- the cardiac stuff. It advised me not to eat anything with fur, lungs, hooves, claws, toenails, gills, feathers, faces, arms or legs. I now tip the scales at about 18 pounds!
Then, there it was! On page 834 it said, "Cut Down On Coffee Consumption"! Terror filled my diseased heart. I've been "fully-caffeinated" since the age of 16. I haven't slept in years. Starbuck's E-mails me any menu changes. Folgers sends me Christmas cards. Dunk'n'Donuts' employees worship the ground I walk on. Cut down on coffee consumption? Woe is me!
What's left? Ok, there's sex! God, I love a good cup of coffee after sex, don't you?
Tom Vickers
Amish-Al Qaida Bread (A Recipe for Disaster)
HELLO GENTLE READERS:
After living many years in Charlotte, NC, I recently moved back to rural West Virginia. I had forgotten how nice folks here are. I had just moved in when my neighbors invited me to supper. I took them up on their kind offer and was served a wonderful meal. Among the delectables offered was a wonderful, homemade Amish Bread. After bestowing my most generous compliments on the bread, my hosts insisted that I take some "starter" dough home with me. It came in an "industrial-sized" baggie and weighed about 67 pounds. The instructions were longer than "War and Peace". I think it had been "fermenting" since the Reagan Administration.
I have a confession to make. I have a genetic defect; I'm lackng the "READ INSTRUCTIONS" gene! I got as far as the first line (Mush Dough Daily) and went to bed.
When I got up the next morning I noticed that the baggie was about the size of Rhode Island. When I started to mush the dough a sonic BOOOM sounded. Dough shot out of that baggie at the speed of light! I had dough all over me: my hair, my glasses, my shirt, in my ears and oh, my poor moustache! It looked like a "trash dump mop". I looked like the Pillsbury Dough Boy (I'm sorry to report that he recently died of a "yeast" infection, It is however, reported he'll "rise" again).
Line number 2 of the instructions: Release excess air before mushing dough. Damn!
I've alerted Homeland Security. This stuff, in the wrong hands, could be weaponized!
I am currently seeking therapy for "Carbohydrophobia". Wish me luck.
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