TV's BLOG--AIN'T LIFE GRAND
My blog is like the old Seinfeld TV Show--about "nothing at all". I will not try to inform you, sway your opinion, tell you how or how not to worship or marry your sister. Oh, by the way, do you have any pictures of you sister? Sorry, it slipped out! I want you to laugh with me, at me or near me!
A One-Legged Whore...
In an ill-spent youth, I used to hang out a lot in bars and taverns. One of these was Ma'Ha's Short Snorter. Ma'Ha's was not your mahogany-paneled, brass-railed, Manhatten Ice Tea type of establishment. Ma'Ha's was a red-eye whiskey, Stroh's Bohemian Style Beer kinda' place. Cheers it was not, nor, did it wish to be. It was one of those places where "everybody forgot your name", assuming they knew it in the first place. It was very entertaining, though. It was like belonging to a "Fight of the Night" club. But, I met some very interesting people there and, that's the subject of this post.
One of those folks was Sally. Sally was a Caterer by trade. She "catered" to the sexual desires of all who had the itch and the jingle with which to scratch. I met her when she sidled up to me at the bar and said, "Mister, for fifty dollars I'll do anything you want"! So, I asked her to paint my house. She threw back her head and laughed, filling Ma'Ha's with that rich, whisky-stained voice. She allowed as how she'd never been asked to do anything quite that kinky but, maybe I'd buy her a drink while she thought it over. I did. She declined.
Sally had lost her left leg in an automobile accident and wasn't the least bit self-conscious about it. It never seemed to hurt her trade either. This was one happy hooker. I got to know Sally (not as a customer) and she makes my top 25 list of people to admire. She accepted life as it was presented to her. Was her choice of occupation unfortunate? I don't know. All cultures put value on a woman's sexuality. We seem to get queasy, though, when that value is expressed in money. She was not the "whore with a heart of gold", she was just another person providing for her family. Quite well, thank you.
God bless you, Sally.
Tom Vickers
Close Your Eyes and Listen...
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
Sometimes a question will lay on my mind for days or, even weeks. This used to frustrate me but, I have learned, over the years, to just let it be until the fullness of thought manifests itself. Either my thoughts will crystalize on their own or I'll read, hear or see something to clarify them. Lately that subject has been physical beauty. More specifically, pretty people. I tried to write my way toward clarity with the entry, The Eye of the Beholder, but still, the thought persisted. I just finished reading ELUSIVEBFY's elegant post Pretty Please and I'm still not at a point of resolution on the subject. My behavior toward beauty is not completely consistant with my philosophy.
Webster defines beauty as "pleasing to the eye". The ancient Greeks formulized the "golden mean"; an arithmatic formula of proportion that is still used in designing buildings, automobiles and even interstate signs. Psychology has recently indicated that the Greek's proportionality math also applies to the human form. The eyes spaced apart at thus and such a ratio to the length of the nose, both in proper proportion to the width of the mouth and height and breadth of the face and so on. Similar ratios apply to the body as a whole. All well and good but, what is beauty? Is physical beauty a matter of ratios? Perhaps.
Anthropologists tells us that, correct or not, we humans are drawn toward "beautiful" members of the opposite sex because regularity of features indicates good health. That handsome men are seen to be more likely to sire healthy children and pretty women more likely to bear them. By the way, the same motives seem to apply in the animal kingdom. Even chickens will choose a "pretty" partner when given a choice. Is physical beauty a matter of procreation. Perhaps.
Judy Collins, a singer popular many years ago, was not a "drop-dead" beauty. Attractive enough, but, not a "fox". I remember going to a concert of hers and thinking she's really quite average looking. Then she stepped up to the mike and the voice of an angel soared throughout the concert hall. All of a sudden, she was a butterfly....
Tom Vickers
When I Grow Up...
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
I'm going to play a little music today with a friend. Not just any friend, though. A "real" friend. One of those rare people who accepts you as you are, even when who you are is not your very best. George, "The Earl of Elkview", is a living treasure. He is a lawyer (nobody's perfect), entertainer, musician, recording artist, songwriter, singer, actor, historian, philosopher, humorist, story teller and one of the most gentle people I know. Years ago, he even ran, in the primary, for the U.S. Senate Seat against the formidible Robert C. Byrd when Byrd had yet to come to his senses on the issue of Civil Rights. I could sit and listen to him talk about anything for hours. George's presentation is so powerful that he could recite a grocery list and hold your interest.
For five wonderful years, George co-hosted the world reknown Mountain Stage. A West Virginia "live" stage show which is broadcast via radio and PBS TV nationwide. The greats, near-greats and never-will-be-greats alike have graced this venue with their performances. Many of them introduced by the "Earl".
George is over two decades older than me but, when he straps on that Gianinni Guitar, clears his throat, steps up to the microphone and turns loose that rich baratone voice you know that George is timeless. He has the knack of letting each member of the audience know that they are the most important person in the room. A rare gift.
I'm going to play a little music today with a friend.
Tom Vickers
Only The Rocks Live Forever (Merry Christmas!)...
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
I wrote a blog, here and at Wordpress (yes, I'm a promiscuious blogger-I "fool around" with the "King's English"), telling you of getting the news from two separate doctors that I would not likely live out the year. Borrowing an Araphoe phrase, I titled the blog "Only The Rocks Live Forever" because it seemed to state the temporary nature of this plane of existence with such simplicity and elegance. I am one of the Vioxx victims and have developed Congestive Heart Failure and the beginings of Kidney Failure. At my other blog site, I got some amazing responses, mostly from Native Americans. An example from Bonnie (a Cherokee) was, "Greetings, Tom. In the words of Chief Seattle, there is no death, only a change of worlds. In my words 'Es-ta-u'. Be strong". Having had a Near Death Experience, I already knew that this world was not the "end-all-be-all" of human existance but, I was touched to the point of tears that others would take their precious time to communicate with me.
As odd as it may seem, this "death sentence" has been a most liberating event. I have, by necessity, been freed from the constraints of permanance. If, for example, this may be my last conversation with a friend then, let it be pleasant. If this is to be the last song I play, then let it be fun. If these are to be the last clothes I wear then, let them be comfortable. If this is to be the last sex I experience then, well, let's do it again! I wish I could have known this emancipation earlier in life. I would be a better person today. Living as though this life is a temporary gift is like waking up to Christmas every morning. I have yet to tire of it. My life is awesome!!
To quote Mark Twain, "The news of my death has been greatly exaggerated". In a recent doctor visit, I was surprised when he said, "It looks like your heatlh has become stable. You may outlive me. You'll never run a marathon, though"!
I hope I never tire of this precious, temporary gift. Merry Christmas, ya'll!
Tom Vickers
P.S.- I may start training to run a marathon. Nah, not likely.
A Height Requirement-A Mostly True Story...
HOWDY, Y'ALL GENTLE REEDERS,
How 'r youins' doin'. I'm doin' rite gud, thank ye. I grow'd up in a holler in south-central West-by-God Virginia called Cabin Creek. The name of arn' little town wuz Decota. We'uns wuz so poor we couldn't afford a name of arn own for the town so, we'uns stole one from a state and then misspelled it. Ta' tell the truth, I dun been told that the Postal Office people named the town when hit applied for a Post Office.
This here is coal country. They'uns dun took enuff coal outta' the mountains here to kick-start that there global warmin' thing I dun heerd about. My pappy wuz a Gee-ologist for a coal cumpany so, we'uns had it better than most. All us youngin's dun been ta' skool and got arnselves a college degree. I kin rite my name reel gud and do simple ciphers, two.
Wud you'ins believe that that there coal cumpny minted hits own money? It sure enuff did! Hits called script and for eighty cents of guvment In God We Trust they'd give ya' one dollar of that there funny money. Course, you could onliest spend hit in the Cumpny Store. The prices in that there store wuz higher than "Eightball" Carver on payday.
I dun fergitted what I wuz a ritin' about. I'm a gittin' a little older now and fergit stuff kwicker than moonshine hits yer belly. Oh yeah, that there height thingy. They wuz a l'il ol' gin joint a piece down the road called Toto Billo's. Ol' Toto would sell most 'bout anything; fireworks, moonshine, tipboard numbers and script ta name the polite commodities. He had a sign up at that l'il dive what said YOU MUST BE THIS TALL TO DRINK. No minimum drinking age-a height requirement.
I kin still heer ol' Toto say, "Ya gist don't measure up, boy"!
Tom Vickers
The Eye of the Beholder...
CONNIEHELLO GENTLE READERS,
I had a friend, Consuela, who had a habit of judging people by their appearance. At work, shopping or just about town she was always commenting on the looks of others. Her shoes didn't match her dress, his nose is too big or remind me never to use her hair stylist, she'd say. I must say that Connie always dressed to the nines, which enhanced her own natural beauty.
Nobody I know took more pains with their own appearance. I don't know, maybe it made Connie feel better about her own flaws. Whatever the reason, she spent energy pointing out the shortcomings of others.
One day, while exiting Wal Mart, Connie saw an old acquaintance, Lucy, in the parking lot. Lucy, as usual, was disheveled. Her blouse didn't match her pants, her hair looked as though it had been combed with a weedeater and one shoe was untied. Connie thought to herself, "If I could just spend a week with that girl, she could be quite attractive"!
They exchanged pleasantries and as Connie was walking away the heel on her shoe broke and she hit the pavement like a sack of potatos. There she sat, in an oil stain, with a rapidly swelling ankle. Lucy looked back once and continued to walk away. Dazed and embarrassed, Connie picked herself up and hobbled to a nearby bench, all the while wondering why Lucy didn't come to her aid.
As Connie plopped down on the bench, shoe broken, ankle swollen, dress oil-stained, covered with sweat and hair mussed, she noticed an old man and his dog at the other end of the bench. Not just any dog, though. This was the ass-ugliest dog she'd ever seen. It had one blue eye, the other brown, knobby-knees, warts with hair bristling, patches of fur missing and a very scraggly tail. This dog was a trainload of ugly; a repulsive, slobbering mound of DNA gone very, very wrong.
"Opium", the man said. "I beg your pardon", Connie haughitly retorted! "Opium. Your perfume is Opium, if I'm not mistaken", the man answered. "Why, yes. It is. You must have a very good nose", said a surprised Connie. "Well, God giveth and God taketh", he offered. "What do you think of my dog, Suzie", the man asked? "Isn't she a beauty, the man inquired? Connie sat in stunned silence contemplating this tail-wagging, year's worth of ugly. "We've been together six years now. Best friend I ever had", the man reported. "Well, it's about time for lunch. Nice to have met you", the blind man said as he picked up his cane, gathered Suzie's harness and walked toward home.....
Tom Vickers
The Star and the Star (A Very Short Story)
Bethlehem, Year 1 Common Era:
And it to pass that the child was born in Bethlehem. There appeared a bright star in the eastern sky which the Magi saw. They followed the star until the star stood over a mean and humble stable....
Zeta Retiguli, Year 6592384:
"Master, the star grows larger and brighter with each passing revolution. Is it true? Is it really going supernovae", the acolyte asked? "Yes, I'm afraid so. Over six million orbits of civilization are about to end", the master answered! "So, it is coming to pass as written. God will destroy the planet a second time but, this time with fire", the acolyte accepted.......
Tom Vickers
Dyslexic Theology...Does "Dog" Exist?
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
Many years ago my father, a brilliant and talented man, had a small stroke. As a result of this he, for a period of time, became dyslexic. When he would read aloud he would transpose words or the letters in the words. While challenging, it also provided him, and the rest of the family, with some lighthearted moments. That situition inspired this post:
1. The dyslexic Atheist denies the existance of Dog.
2. The dyslexic Agnostic wavers on Dog's existance.
3. The dyslexic Catholic believes that Dog is out to get you (your little god Toto, too).
4. The dyslexic militant Muslim believes that Dog hates the "West".
5. The dyslexic Hindu believes in many, many Dogs (various breeds?).
6. The dyslexic TV Evangelist says that Dog needs your money.
7. The dyslexic Jew says, "Hear O' Israel, Dog is one"!
8. The dyslexic Buddist tries to become one with Dog.
9. The dyslexic Baptist believes that Dog will send you to "Hell in a gas can".
10. The dyslexic Branch Davidian believes Dog wants you "well-armed"!
11. The dyslexic Unitarian believes that Dog is pure love.
12. The dyslexic Moonie says Dog wants you to sell flowers at the airport.
Please feel free to add to this "Dog-gone" list. Thank Dog it's finished.
Tom Vickers
In 1492, Columbus Sailed the Ocean Blue....
DATELINE: COURT OF SPAIN:
"But Ferdinand, sweetheart, there's a whole New World out there", exclaimed the queen! "So you say Izzy. Well, you and that ne'r-do-well, Cristobal Colon", he answered. "Ferdie, he's onto something, I just feel it", she pleaded. "Listen darling, we are tapped-out paying for that war against those damned Moors and you've maxed-out the Visa for that frickin' tiara", he explained! "Ferdie, I'll make it worth your while tonight", she teased. "Ok, ok, send the son-of-a-bitch in. You will wear that Arabian Night outfit I like, won't you", he asked? "Baby, tonight I'm your slut", she promised!
So, as history records, Columbus gained the support of Spain's Court.
"Cristobal, get off your knees, man", ordered the king. "Yes, Sire", he complied. "So, what's this little excursion goin' cost me", the king asked? "Your Majesty, I've spoken with the Sailor's Guild and for three percent of any gold, jewels, spices or any such treasures as we may claim, they'll work for minimum wage. I'll need three ships, fully provisioned, and, uh, uh, I'll ask for forty-seven percent of any booty for myself", he answered. "So, that leaves just fifty percent for the Court", the king grumbled. "Sire, it is well known that a trade route to the east would bring untold wealth to the nation. Your Majesty, I had a dream, and in this dream I saw Golden Arches. People were lined up and buying strange food. Money was changing hands at an amazing rate. There was writing on the arches and it was written in Anglish. It said 'Billions Served'. If true, Spain must have its share. Plus, we will gain favor with the Pope for converting those eastern heathens" Columbus explained. "How is it that you will reach Asia by sailing west. Sounds as dumb as a footprint to me", Ferdinand asked? "The world is round, your Highness. There is no east or west", Columbus explained. "Ok, I don't have a good feeling about this but, let it be written", the king relented.
"Uh, your Highness, there are a coupla' other issues", Columbus said. "What, what! Be quick man. The queen and I have other fish to fry", the king impatiently asked? "Well, it's the EPA and Interior Departments. They want an Environmental Impact Statement and a study on any possible effects on indigenous peoples in these new lands", Columbus reported. "Damn! Those little bastards will be the death of me", the king exploded! "I had to deal with the twerps regarding clean-up after the war with the Moors. Imagine! Telling the King he had to bury those heathens after any battle. Causes disease to leave the son-of-a bitches to the carrion birds, they said. Puh-lease", the king complained! "You just let me handle this. Indigenous people, indeed", saith the king.
In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.....
Tom Vickers
Barbie Doll Arrested! Drugs and Prostituition Charged!
DATELINE NEW YORK, NY:
In a terse statement today, Mattell, the patent holder on Barbie, admitted that she was taken into custody and released on an undisclosed amount of bond. The spokesman, a Mr. Plastico, said more information would be released at a later date.
A friend of the family, Ken, said that Barbie had been on a long, long downward spiral. "It all started with those damned mini-skirts, spiked heels and that friggin' Corvette. I just hope that people will understand. After all, most families have been touched by drugs. Also, Mattell should take some of the blame. The pressure to sell more and more toys has been tremendous. Why, I knew her when she was a cute 34-C with two-inch heels. But the pressure was so great that she felt the need to have 'plastic' surgery. Now look where those 'D' cups and three-inch heels have landed her. Right in the gutter. I just hope you will include Barbie in your prayers," Ken exclaimed.
We sure will, Ken.
Tom Vickers
Eeny-Meeny-Chili-Beany--Oh, God!
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
Haven't had the 'ol crystal out in a while so, I thought I see what's kickin' in the spirit world. Let's light this candle and see who shows up. Eeny-Meeny-Chili-Beany the spirits are about to speak...."SNAP-CRACKLE-POP"!...Kelloggs? Is that somebody from Kelloggs?..."I am the GREAT I AM!"...Who?..."I am HE WHO IS!"...Oh. God!..."Not as dumb as you look, are you my child?"...Good Lord! Is it r-r-r-really y-y-y-you?...I-I-I didn't mean to bother you..."No bother. I was already in the neighborhood"...Really?..."Yeah, I've received so many petroleum prayers lately that I thought I'd check it out myself."...So what's the verdict?..."Well, I guess we won't be passing out any many halos at Exxon this year. Besides, I've been hankering for a Double-Cheese and Biggie Fries from Wendy's."...Lucky You. I have heart disease and can't have fast food any more!..."HA-HA-HA-HA"!...It's not funny. It makes my feet swell!..."Your feet smell?...Swell, swell, not smell! Good Lord!..."Yes"....Do you mind if I ask a few questions? Some things really confuse me..."Go ahead my child. I put on my robe one arm at a time just like you."...OK. What's up with the platypus? It doesn't seem to quite know what it is!..."Spare parts."...Spare parts?..."The Universe came with some assembly required and the directions weren't real clear."...Yeah, I know what you mean. I think the manual to my cell phone is written in Babylonian Cuneiform. You don't speak Cuneiform, do you?..."Always use a burning bush myself. Never much cared for phones."...Oh, I see. Just thought I'd ask. "Any more questions?"...Sure, how about snakes-I mean, no limbs, no eyelids, nasty dispositions?... "IT WAS LATE SATURDAY NIGHT, OK!"...Ok, Ok. Wow, that seems to be a sore spot!..."JUST DROP IT!"...You b-b-bet..."I'm in kind of a hurry, anything else?"...Well, there is one thing. Will I go to heaven?..."EENY-MEENY-MINEY-MO"...
Tom Vickers
For Recreational Use Only! Results May Vary!
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
I really enjoy useless information so, how about a freakishly funny, fantasticly far-fetched, fascinating, funky, far-out feast of fertilizer? As you can see, I also enjoy illiteration.
1. The expression "three-dog night" comes from when it's so cold you need to sleep with three dogs to keep warm ( I admit I've slept with "dogs" before but never in a menage-a-trois).
2. You're more apt to be a target of mosquitos if you eat bananas. You may also become the target of monkeys, I imagine.
3. Tigers have striped skin as well as striped fur. I guess that's why you never see a tiger on "L.A. Ink".
4. White eggs come from chickens with white feathers. Brown eggs come from chickens with brown feathers. Easter eggs come from chickens that have been on "L.A. Ink". OK, OK, I made up the Easter egg factoid.
5. Did you know that a "jiffy" is an actual unit of time? It is from 1/50th to 1/100th of a second. It's also a pretty good peanut butter if you can catch it.
6. There are more insects in one square mile of rural land than there are human beings on earth. The meek may inherit the earth but, they'll have to wrestle it away from the bugs.
7. French Fries, Swiss Steak, Chop Suey and Russian Dressing are all American in origin. I wonder if "American Cheese" is Japanese?
8. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" may be the toughest tongue twister in the English language. Being a hillbilly, I even had trouble typing it.
9. Forty percent of the people who attend a party at your house will snoop through your medicine cabinet. A solution to this may be to invite only sixty percent of the people you normally would invite.
10. Cats are now in more households than dogs. They're in more trees than dogs too.
Please feel free to add to this list or ridicule any of the entries.
Tom Vickers
GOD NEEDS MONEY!
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
It's true! I saw it on TV. I'm not sure why. Perhaps the debt on the Egyptian Plagues has come due. That must have been an expensive operation to pull off, being ten of them and all.
I really don't mind T-Vangelistas asking for money. Many of them do good work and provide a spiritual venue for shut-ins and such. But, puh-lease, don't tell me God said to send my money to you. I have a lot more respect for the homeless stumblebum who asks for a few dollars so he can buy a beer. At least he's being honest. Have we forgotten when Oral Roberts locked himself up in a "Prayer-Tower" until viewers ponied up a certain amount of dough? Or the PTL scandal? Yet this same emotional appeal is still being made. God needs your money! He said so. I try to help individual people with my extra money and I sleep well at night.
But, if I'm wrong, then I suggest that God knock on Exxon's door. Heaven knows they have the bucks and really could use a little God in their life.
Hmmmm. I might be willing to contribute to a new Plague Campaign aimed at the oil industry.
Tom Vickers
Lucy, You Got Some 'Splainin' To Do!
HELLO AGAIN GENTLE READERS,
It used to be thought that the insane were closer to God than the rest of us. Maybe its so, I don't know. Most families, including mine, have at one time or another been touched by the tragedy of Alzheimers or Dementia. We're living longer, eating God knows what chemicals, breathing air you could snort through a ten-dollar bill and racing through life like the last turn at the Daytona 500. I'm not a doctor or research scientist so, I don't have a clue as to their causes but, these things can't help.
Once you've had a turn at caring for someone so afflicted, you can't but help but develop a sort of dark humor about it. Your own sanity may depend upon it. I fondly remember my great-uncle Callie (James Calvary Vickers). A most gentle soul he was. The Mother Teresa of the Clan Vickers. Callie lost a great deal of his hearing in France during WWI when an shell exploded over his head. This loss of hearing was not the handicap that you might imagine it to be, being married to aunt Sue and all. I can still hear auntie Sue starting in on one of her tirades and see Callie easing his hand to the volume control of his hearing aid. In his mid-ninties, Callie also lost his sight. Yikes! Total aural and visual deprivation. Callie lost his mind.
He lived with my mom and dad and this event happened when they took a weekend trip. I had come over for the weekend to take care of Callie and was ill-prepared for it. Callie was a lumber grader by trade and when his mind went the way of the Dodo, he started "grading" every stick of furniture in the house. Hard to do just by the sense of touch but, we humans, even thusly afflicted, are nothing if not creative. I called his doctor and he opened up his office on a Saturday for his old friend Callie. He said nothing could be done and we would have to arrange for his long term care.
I packed a picnic lunch and Callie and I spent the rest of that afternoon at the Danville Lumber Company "grading" wood. The owners didn't seem to mind us being there. Nice folks. A little pricey but, nice.
I don't pretend to know the mind of God. I have no idea why bad things happen to good people. I don't want to sound "Zen" but, maybe even God can't create a one-sided coin. In spite of this, God has no 'splainin' to do. He left his fingerprints all over a good man-my uncle Callie.
Tom Vickers
ONE MAN'S SHEEP, ANOTHER MAN'S PROM DATE!
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
I lived in Charlotte, NC for a number of years and, for a city, it's not that bad. They do, however, have a number of ordinances that one must get used to. For example, you can't buy beer on Sundays until noon. This barely gives Charlotteans time to get home from Church, snag a 12-pack of Lite and get home in time to watch the Carolina Panthers play. Believe me, you can't watch their recent teams play without vast quantities of either ethel alcohol or Schedule III Pharmaceuticals. You can, however, make U-Turns into traffic at will. I have the scars to prove it.
Passing some ordinances did pose some problems for Charlotte's genteel City Council. It's a matter of language. The "Porn Wars" episode highlighted this. How do you define Porn? According to the City Fathers, "Porn is something which is indecent when, under current community standards, it is patently offensive." What? What did they say? Under this defination, Spongebob Squarepants could (and, probably should) be banned! This defination was agreed to after the City Council tried to list specific sex acts, movies, books (so long Catcher in the Rye), pictures, sex toys and the like to be banned. More than once, City Councilman Don Reid, the moral flag-bearer, said, "We just don't use that kind of language here!" Of course, Don once tried to get the advertising of feminine hygiene products banned from local Broadcast TV.
By God, censorship in the name of good, wholesome living will keep the Larry Flint types out of The Queen City! Now the Porn crowd will have to drive to the burbs.
Tom Vickers
A Desk From Obama, A Tracking Cookie From Hillary!
BARILLARYHELLO GENTLE READERS,
Yes, I admit it. I've been pandered to and liked it! I really didn't expect anything for myself out of the Presidential race so, I was pleasantly surprised to receive a couple of gifts.
I received the first gift few weeks ago from the Clinton Campaign. A Tracking Cookie! Right here in my living room! An authentic Hillary Tracking Cookie. I got this little jewel after writing a blog entitled YOU CAN PUT OBAMA IN A SKIRT BUT, YOU CAN'T MAKE HILLARY BLACK! They're so sweet and thoughtful. A cookie. I'll treasure it always.
The second gift was delivered yesterday. A God-honest, real-live, genuine Barack Obama desk! It's true! My daughter works in the same building where Obama's WV Campaign HQ was located. She was able to obtain one when they were moving out. I don't know if he sat at it or leaned on it but, he could have. Hmmm. I think he must have! Does this blog seem a little smarter than my ususal fare? I'm writing it at my new Obama desk.
Well, now that my "Primary" gifts are in hand, I can't help but wonder what gifts I'll receive for the General Election?
Tom Vickers
I MARRIED TWO MAGICIANS!
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
Yes, I confess! I have a "thing" for female magicians. I've married two of them and "test-driven" several others. I really don't know why I find them so attractive! I just do. You'd think I would have learned my lesson after one of them but, noooo! I react like they're a salad bar.
One thing about magicians is that they make things disappear. I started noticing that some things were disappearing from my life. Things like two houses, three cars, stocks, bonds, savings, IRAs and God knows what else. Oh, yeah!... Two wives.
Tom Vickers
"DIRTY MONEY"...A New Business Magazine!
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
Many Americans rely on publications like Fortune Magazine, Money Magazine and The Wall Street Journal to keep up with economic news and plan their investments. For most of us there is a sufficient number of such rags to meet our needs. However, not all of our citizens benefit from these publications. There is an entire class of Americans who have a need in this area. Who, you ask? Career criminals, that's who! "Ya' just can't find any in-depth articles on money laundering," said Sal Morelli, a semi-retired Mob Capo. "I mean, this is America, right", asked Sal.
Yes Sal, this is America. I feel your pain! I think that for the right publisher this could be a golden opportunity. The demand certainly exists for "DIRTY MONEY", a publication for those with an alternate economic lifestyle. With the help of a retired "leg-breaker", I compiled a list of potential articles for any publisher to consider:
1. Are Judges A Good Investment?
2. Document Forging-From A To Z.
3. Bribing Government Officials.
4. Laundering-The Spin Cycle!
5. Attorneys-Friend Or Foe?
6. Top Ten Offshore Banks.
7. How To Avoid Entrapment.
8. Fake Corporations-A "Shell" Game!
9. Is My Mac-10 Tax Deductable?
10. Will Extradition Influence Your Next Home Purchase?
Now, for the companion show on CNBC...
Tom Vickers
MARS CYDONIAN MYSTERY SOLVED!
SURBURBAN CYDONIA
HELLO GENTLE READERS,
Ever since that fateful Mariner Mission beamed back those intriguing pictures from Cydonia, Mars, Nasa has had some 'splainin' to do. How do you 'splain away a monumental face, a pyramid and a temple complex? "It's a play of light and shadows", they tell us. Where have we heard this before? Oh yeah, Project Blue Book! Was that book really blue? Noooo! Not much credibility there, huh? Well, the following information will clear this up and put the Wormwood back in your Absinthe!
It is not, I repeat, not a temple complex! It's a strip mall! As far as we know the Solar System's first. While it may take a manned mission to determine what stores the Martians favored, we can certainly make some educated guesses. Of course, it must have a Starbuck's. And, no strip mall would be complete without a Nail Salon, Dollar Tree, Barnes & Noble and a detached McDonalds. And since one must assume that Martians also love to "Roll Back Prices", the anchor store is probably a Wal Mart. What about the face, you ask? It may be the archiac version of a Chucky Cheese. Yes, life really is a circle.
My hope is that when we finally step foot on Cydonia, we are able to find the Martian "Rosetta Stone". My advice is to find the YOU ARE HERE sign and take it from there.
Tom Vickers
CHIANG KAI-SHREK...A TRAILER!
DATELINE HOLLYWOOD, CA:
I have it on good authority that the runaway movie hit of the summer will be an animated, martial arts Historical. It will pit a Chinese Nationalist Ogre (Chiang) against his arch-rival, Mouse Tse-Tung . I don't want to give too much away but, I'm told that Chiang tries to disrupt "The Long March" and avoid moving to Taiwan.
I am further informed that the battle scenes are of epic proportion. Especially the finale, which takes place in a Trailer Park on the Yellow River. A "no-miss" scene!
The producers are currently negotiating with several fast food chains for their right to sell cheap and dangerous toys based on the movie.
Folks, don't wait for the book on this one.
Tom Vickers
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