In 1492, Columbus Sailed the Ocean Blue....
DATELINE: COURT OF SPAIN:
"But Ferdinand, sweetheart, there's a whole New World out there", exclaimed the queen! "So you say Izzy. Well, you and that ne'r-do-well, Cristobal Colon", he answered. "Ferdie, he's onto something, I just feel it", she pleaded. "Listen darling, we are tapped-out paying for that war against those damned Moors and you've maxed-out the Visa for that frickin' tiara", he explained! "Ferdie, I'll make it worth your while tonight", she teased. "Ok, ok, send the son-of-a-bitch in. You will wear that Arabian Night outfit I like, won't you", he asked? "Baby, tonight I'm your slut", she promised!
So, as history records, Columbus gained the support of Spain's Court.
"Cristobal, get off your knees, man", ordered the king. "Yes, Sire", he complied. "So, what's this little excursion goin' cost me", the king asked? "Your Majesty, I've spoken with the Sailor's Guild and for three percent of any gold, jewels, spices or any such treasures as we may claim, they'll work for minimum wage. I'll need three ships, fully provisioned, and, uh, uh, I'll ask for forty-seven percent of any booty for myself", he answered. "So, that leaves just fifty percent for the Court", the king grumbled. "Sire, it is well known that a trade route to the east would bring untold wealth to the nation. Your Majesty, I had a dream, and in this dream I saw Golden Arches. People were lined up and buying strange food. Money was changing hands at an amazing rate. There was writing on the arches and it was written in Anglish. It said 'Billions Served'. If true, Spain must have its share. Plus, we will gain favor with the Pope for converting those eastern heathens" Columbus explained. "How is it that you will reach Asia by sailing west. Sounds as dumb as a footprint to me", Ferdinand asked? "The world is round, your Highness. There is no east or west", Columbus explained. "Ok, I don't have a good feeling about this but, let it be written", the king relented.
"Uh, your Highness, there are a coupla' other issues", Columbus said. "What, what! Be quick man. The queen and I have other fish to fry", the king impatiently asked? "Well, it's the EPA and Interior Departments. They want an Environmental Impact Statement and a study on any possible effects on indigenous peoples in these new lands", Columbus reported. "Damn! Those little bastards will be the death of me", the king exploded! "I had to deal with the twerps regarding clean-up after the war with the Moors. Imagine! Telling the King he had to bury those heathens after any battle. Causes disease to leave the son-of-a bitches to the carrion birds, they said. Puh-lease", the king complained! "You just let me handle this. Indigenous people, indeed", saith the king.
In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.....
Tom Vickers
Leave a Comment
