Amish-Al Qaida Bread (A Recipe for Disaster)

HELLO GENTLE READERS:

After living many years in Charlotte, NC, I recently moved back to rural West Virginia. I had forgotten how nice folks here are. I had just moved in when my neighbors invited me to supper. I took them up on their kind offer and was served a wonderful meal. Among the delectables offered was a wonderful, homemade Amish Bread. After bestowing my most generous compliments on the bread, my hosts insisted that I take some "starter" dough home with me. It came in an "industrial-sized" baggie and weighed about 67 pounds. The instructions were longer than "War and Peace". I think it had been "fermenting" since the Reagan Administration.

I have a confession to make. I have a genetic defect; I'm lackng the "READ INSTRUCTIONS" gene! I got as far as the first line (Mush Dough Daily) and went to bed.

When I got up the next morning I noticed that the baggie was about the size of Rhode Island. When I started to mush the dough a sonic BOOOM sounded. Dough shot out of that baggie at the speed of light! I had dough all over me: my hair, my glasses, my shirt, in my ears and oh, my poor moustache! It looked like a "trash dump mop". I looked like the Pillsbury Dough Boy (I'm sorry to report that he recently died of a "yeast" infection, It is however, reported he'll "rise" again).

Line number 2 of the instructions: Release excess air before mushing dough. Damn!

I've alerted Homeland Security. This stuff, in the wrong hands, could be weaponized!

I am currently seeking therapy for "Carbohydrophobia". Wish me luck.