TV's BLOG--AIN'T LIFE GRAND

My blog is like the old Seinfeld TV Show--about "nothing at all". I will not try to inform you, sway your opinion, tell you how or how not to worship or marry your sister. Oh, by the way, do you have any pictures of you sister? Sorry, it slipped out! I want you to laugh with me, at me or near me!

Jehovah's Witness Protection Program...

HELLO GENTLE READERS,

I witnessed a crime; not a big crime as crimes go but, a crime nevertheless. I reported Billy Bob catching eight beautiful rainbow trout. The problem is that we have a six trout creel limit. After reporting Billy Bob to the DNR, I’ve received threats. The rumor out of the Nettie GO-MART is that Billy Bob’s friends are after me. We here in beautiful Nicholas County, WV take our sport fishing seriously.

I’ve decided to take drastic measures and go into hiding. I’m going to enter the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program. So, any day now, as you’re watching from behind the curtain, a disguised 50-something may knock on your door and offer you salvation. Please be kind and take the offered Watchtower Magazine. It could be me!

Tom and LaVerna Vickers


New From Mattell--"Flip the Bird Barbie"...

HELLO GENTLE READERS,

Yes it’s finally here! That nasty little cutie, “Flip The Bird Barbie“. You’ll have hours of fun as this devious little devil pisses off your entire doll collection. Yes, watch as arguments and fights break out in your bedroom.

Be sure to take her along on your family drives. She’ll really come in handy for those road rage moments. (Nail Polish Not Included).

Tom & LaVerna Vickers

New From Mattell--"Lactating Barbie"...

HELLO GENTLE READERS,

Hey kids, it’s finally here-”Lactating Barbie”. Yes, this creamy, dreamy little lady is a must for your collection. This leaky, freaky doll will amaze your friends as she ruins blouse after blouse.

Yes, this little “dairy fairy” can provide natural nourishment for your entire doll assembly or can be used at the dinner table as a coffee creamer. (Breast Pump not included).

Tom and LaVerna Vickers


West Virginia Jones...

HELLO GENTLE READERS,

Raiders of the Lost Ark, Temple of Doom, Indiana Jones, eat your heart out. Yes, finally the big screen will bring to life West Virginia Jones. Ya’ bet, just in time for the Christmas season, for your viewing pleasure, advance tickets are now available for West Virginia Jones and the Temple of Lost Teeth. Yes, watch as “Westy” tries to locate canines, bicuspids and molars amid the breathtaking beauty of The Mountain State.

Tom and LaVerna Vickers 



Love Monger Ministries-Keeping The Faith...

HELLO GENTLE READERS,

Well, the past month and a half seemed like pure Hell!

In mid-November, the family headed to Ohio to be with Uncle Tom in his final hours. After the services, we left for North Carolina for a business trip. Then a few days after arriving home, Tom went to the emergency room with chest pains. That hospital sent us home the next day, only to go to a different hospital less than a week later for a heart catheterization and eventually a triple bypass, the day after our younger son had minor surgery. 

We came home Christmas Day!

Suffice it to say, we haven’t had much time to write, or to breathe for that matter.

I can say, however, now that everyone is well into recovery from the goings on of the past month and a half, that life is good and we are VERY happy to be home.

You know, it’s funny how easy it is to keep the faith when life is calm and all is well. But when life throws a series of curve balls? There have been more than a few moments when I questioned all the “faith hype” and began to doubt. 

That’s where family came in. Not only blood family (I wouldn’t have made it through without Tom’s AMAZING daughter) but also our chosen family-you know, those friends who are so much more that the only word for them is FAMILY. 

I’ve learned something wonderful through all of this…

When my own faith is faltering, it is perfectly acceptable and often desirable to borrow someone else’s. I reckon I never thought of “faith” or ” strength” as transferable entities, but apparently they are.

Maybe the best part of tough times is realizing in our gut that we never have to do “it” alone.

Merry late Yulchrismakwanzachaunamas everyone and may the coming New Year be the best one ever!!!

LaVerna and Tom Vickers



All I Want For Christmas Is...

HELLO GENTLE READERS,

I know I haven't written much lately, but I've been fighting this pesky heart problem. Well, hopefully a solution is at hand. I'm having open-heart surgery this coming Thursday. I'm at one of the five best hospitals in the country for this surgery and my surgeon is one of the best on the East Coast. Still, I'm shamelessly soliciting your prayers.

May you be blessed this holiday season.

Tom Vickers

New From Mattell--"Suicide Bomber Barbie"...

HELLO GENTLE READERS,

You knew it was just a matter of time before those intrepid marketers at Mattell tapped the Jihad market. Yes, this little terrorist beauty comes complete with plastique, detonator and that “devil-may-care” Jihad attitude. You and your friends will have hours of fun as she blows up all of your decadent Western Barbies. (Al Qaida funding not included).


Tom and LaVerna Vickers


New From Mattell--"Catfish Barbie"...

HELLO GENTLE READERS,

LaVerna and I are avid fans of sport fishing and often read articles on the subject. As loyal readers know, we also have an unfettered penchant for poking fun at iconic figures, such as the Barbie Doll. Can you imagine our delight at reading an article which includes both.

It seems that a South Carolina record for a Channel Catfish was broken using, you guessed it, a Barbie fishing pole. It seems that a grandfather took his granddaughter fishing and caught a fishzilla monster catfish which would’ve qualified for the National Geographic show “Hooked”. 

Who would’ve guessed that a Barbie Pole would be able to channel the spirit of Roland Martin. I don’t know about you, but if they come out with a Barbie Bassboat, I gotta’ get one!

Tom and LaVerna Vickers 





Piglet Isolated With Swine Flu...

HELLO GENTLE READERS,

It is our sad lot to report that Piglet, of Winnie the Pooh, has come down with the H1N1 Swine Flu bug. 

According to Christopher Robin, Winnie, Tigger, Eyore and company have had to vacate their customary place on the chest-of -drawers to prevent the spread of this dreaded virus.

The CDC in Atlanta said that if this bug is spreading among stuffed animals, it could be a long flu season.

Tom and LaVerna Vickers 



AMISH NASCAR...

HELLO GENTLE READERS,

Welcome to the exciting world of Amish NASCAR. You’ll thrill as these black-frocked drivers race these high-powered hay-burners through small town America. So, bring the family, tie your horse to the hitching post, pack a picnic lunch and join in the low-tech world of Amish NASCAR. 

A warm welcome to you new readers at blogsurfer.us.

Tom and LaVerna Vickers 



Love Monger Ministries 09/11/09--Mitakuye Oyasin...

HELLO GENTLE READERS,

The World Really Hasn’t Forgotten… 

MITAKUYE OYASIN–"ALL CREATION, ALL MY RELATIONS–WE ARE ALL RELATED."

LaVerna and Tom Vickers

A River of Honey and 72 Virginians...

HELLO GENTLE READERS,

According to radical Islam, anyone who dies in a Jihad will immediately go to Paradise where a river of honey and 72 virgins will await them. What if, stay with me here, what if the Koran has been mistranslated. What if it’s a river of honey and 72 Virginians? Can you imagine the look on Osama Bin Laden’s face if he were greeted at the Pearly Gates by Thomas Jefferson, George Washington and Pat Robertson?


Tom and LaVerna Vickers



Federal Government "Conned"...

HELLO GENTLE READERS,

In an effort to stimulate the U.S. economy, the feds have sent checks to or bailed out significent segments of said economy. I guess this effort at jump-starting a crisis ridden economy is leaving no stone unturned. The Feds recently sent out stimulus checks to 1,700 prisoners around the country.

Hmmmm, I guess crime does pay! 

Tom and LaVerna Vickers


Diet Pepsi Now In Self-Opening Cans...

HELLO GENTLE READERS,

Ahhh, Pepsi! That pause that refreshes. Or is it an IED? 

The attached picture is from a can of Diet Pepsi that exploded when I took it out of a Pepsi Cube container. It’s amazing how far Diet Pepsi can shoot out of an exploding can.

I’m hoping that no terrorists get any devious plans regarding America’s soft drink industry!

Tom and LaVerna Vickers 



New From The Federal Govt,--"Cash for Cluckers"...

HELLO GENTLE READERS,

We have an idea for the government. After the success of the “Cash for Clunkers” automobile program and the proposed “Cash for Clunkers” for inefficient appliance replacement, we think that a program to replace inefficient chickens will help a long overlooked segment of the economy. Yes, a “Cash for Cluckers” program will inject new life in the chicken business.

The way it would work is that a farmer could trade in a chicken that doesn’t lay well for one which lays everyday. This would make the price of eggs drop and the poor layers could grace the dinner table for Sunday dinner. 

Tom and LaVerna Vickers 



Taliban Gives Afghan Election The Finger...

HELLO GENTLE READERS,

In order to prevent voter fraud, Afghan officials made voters dip a finger in purple ink to show that they have voted. This made targets out of voters for militant Taliban types. At least two people were victims of this Taliban terror tactic, and lost purple didgits.

Here in little, idylic Nettie, West Virginia, voters are a bit miffed at this purple ink thing. You see, here in WV we invented the “Vote-Early-And-Often” election style of democracy. Billy Bob Armyboot, a Nettie citizen said, “If they start inking and cutting off fingers for casting mutliple votes, there aint’ gonna’ be a whole hand left in Nicholas county“.

In any event, we think the Afghan voters should be given a hand for their courage and the Taliban should be given the finger!


Tom and LaVerna Vickers 



Amish Newspaper To Go Online? NOT...

HELLO GENTLE READERS,

I kid you not, an Amish newspaper, THE BUDGET, proposed to publish an Online addition. The writers, called Scribes, threatened to go on strike if The Budget followed through on its plan. The Sugar Creek, Ohio paper does maintain a bare-bones website. 

The Amish, a religious sect of over 200,000 members have maintained a simple lifestyle among we English folks, shunning automobiles, buttons and hooking up to the electric grid.

Given their resistance to electrical devices, one wonders who’s dreamchild the Online proposal belongs to.

Tom and LaVerna Vickers 



Lifetime TV Presents "Desperate Houseflies"...

HELLO GENTLE READERS,

Tired of summer reruns? Can't wait for the fall season? Well, here's a new show to whet your appetite--"Desperate Houseflies"! Yes, this new show is based on the lives of suburban houseflies and the drama they create. The show is well thought out and develops the characters supremely; the gay fruitfly, the obsessive horsefly, the annoying deerfly, the jealous common housefly and the slutty gnat. You'll be chilled as the Orb Spider weaves a web of deceit in their lives.

Tom and LaVerna Vickers

New From Mattell--"Amsterdam Barbie"...

HELLO GENTLE READERS,

OO-LA-LA! Mattell has shown a great deal of courage with its new offering-"Amsterdam Barbie". You'll be ''hooked'' on this little cutie as she bumps and grinds her way into your heart. Your friends will be amazed as Ken spends his weekly paycheck for an hour of bliss with this Dutch hottie. (Condoms sold separately).

Tom and Laverna Vickers

New From Mattell--"Hell's Angels Barbie"...

HELLO GENTLE READERS,

Oh, how exciting! Mattell has once again crossed over the alternate lifestyle line with its newest offering--"Hell's Angel Barbie". You'll have hours of fun as this little toughie rumbles with your entire Barbie collection. This chick comes complete with leather jacket, Harley boots and a "Property Of Hell's Angels" tee-shirt. (Meth Lab sold separately).

Tom and LaVerna Vickers

tvsgweblog
Male - 56 years old
NETTIE, WV
United States
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