HELLO GENTLE READERS,

Yes it’s finally here! That nasty little cutie, “Flip The Bird Barbie“. You’ll have hours of fun as this devious little devil pisses off your entire doll collection. Yes, watch as arguments and fights break out in your bedroom.

HELLO GENTLE READERS,

Hey kids, it’s finally here-”Lactating Barbie”. Yes, this creamy, dreamy little lady is a must for your collection. This leaky, freaky doll will amaze your friends as she ruins blouse after blouse.

Yes, this little “dairy fairy” can provide natural nourishment for your entire doll assembly or can be used at the dinner table as a coffee creamer. (Breast Pump not included).

Tom and LaVerna Vickers

HELLO GENTLE READERS,

I know I haven't written much lately, but I've been fighting this pesky heart problem. Well, hopefully a solution is at hand. I'm having open-heart surgery this coming Thursday. I'm at one of the five best hospitals in the country for this surgery and my surgeon is one of the best on the East Coast. Still, I'm shamelessly soliciting your prayers.

May you be blessed this holiday season.

Tom Vickers

HELLO GENTLE READERS,

You knew it was just a matter of time before those intrepid marketers at Mattell tapped the Jihad market. Yes, this little terrorist beauty comes complete with plastique, detonator and that “devil-may-care” Jihad attitude. You and your friends will have hours of fun as she blows up all of your decadent Western Barbies. (Al Qaida funding not included).

It is our sad lot to report that Piglet, of Winnie the Pooh, has come down with the H1N1 Swine Flu bug. 

According to Christopher Robin, Winnie, Tigger, Eyore and company have had to vacate their customary place on the chest-of -drawers to prevent the spread of this dreaded virus.

HELLO GENTLE READERS,

According to radical Islam, anyone who dies in a Jihad will immediately go to Paradise where a river of honey and 72 virgins will await them. What if, stay with me here, what if the Koran has been mistranslated. What if it’s a river of honey and 72 Virginians? Can you imagine the look on Osama Bin Laden’s face if he were greeted at the Pearly Gates by Thomas Jefferson, George Washington and Pat Robertson?

Ahhh, Pepsi! That pause that refreshes. Or is it an IED? 

The attached picture is from a can of Diet Pepsi that exploded when I took it out of a Pepsi Cube container. It’s amazing how far Diet Pepsi can shoot out of an exploding can.

HELLO GENTLE READERS,

In order to prevent voter fraud, Afghan officials made voters dip a finger in purple ink to show that they have voted. This made targets out of voters for militant Taliban types. At least two people were victims of this Taliban terror tactic, and lost purple didgits.

Here in little, idylic Nettie, West Virginia, voters are a bit miffed at this purple ink thing. You see, here in WV we invented the “Vote-Early-And-Often” election style of democracy. Billy Bob Armyboot, a Nettie citizen said, “If they start inking and cutting off fingers for casting mutliple votes, there aint’ gonna’ be a whole hand left in Nicholas county“.

In any event, we think the Afghan voters should be given a hand for their courage and the Taliban should be given the finger!

HELLO GENTLE READERS,

I kid you not, an Amish newspaper, THE BUDGET, proposed to publish an Online addition. The writers, called Scribes, threatened to go on strike if The Budget followed through on its plan. The Sugar Creek, Ohio paper does maintain a bare-bones website. 

HELLO GENTLE READERS,

Tired of summer reruns? Can't wait for the fall season? Well, here's a new show to whet your appetite--"Desperate Houseflies"! Yes, this new show is based on the lives of suburban houseflies and the drama they create. The show is well thought out and develops the characters supremely; the gay fruitfly, the obsessive horsefly, the annoying deerfly, the jealous common housefly and the slutty gnat. You'll be chilled as the Orb Spider weaves a web of deceit in their lives.

Tom and LaVerna Vickers

HELLO GENTLE READERS,

OO-LA-LA! Mattell has shown a great deal of courage with its new offering-"Amsterdam Barbie". You'll be ''hooked'' on this little cutie as she bumps and grinds her way into your heart. Your friends will be amazed as Ken spends his weekly paycheck for an hour of bliss with this Dutch hottie. (Condoms sold separately).

Tom and Laverna Vickers

HELLO GENTLE READERS,

Oh, how exciting! Mattell has once again crossed over the alternate lifestyle line with its newest offering--"Hell's Angel Barbie". You'll have hours of fun as this little toughie rumbles with your entire Barbie collection. This chick comes complete with leather jacket, Harley boots and a "Property Of Hell's Angels" tee-shirt. (Meth Lab sold separately).

Tom and LaVerna Vickers